Fibromyalgia, essays and exams
A page in the diary "A Day in the Life Of..."
Written by babz 17. Jun 2008 06:03 PM
Well I'm back after my study break, turns out I nearly exploded without having anywhere to vent...
Main news is that last week I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia - I officially now have more labels than officeworks. I didn't understand the full impact of this diagnosis initially but did some research and it doesn't sound good. It especially doesn't sound compatible with the lifestyle of an elite athlete. That is what really crushed me - I could live with all the pain and illness in the world as long as I could still skate.
The doctor explained it to me, how it is often related to physical and/or emotional trauma, PTSD and can make bipolar and BPD worse. It also explains the troubles I've had with my stomach and memory over the past few years. As much as I dislike the condition and want to convince myself that I don't have it, it fits scarily well and explains a lot of medical problems that have been unexplainable leaving me convinced that I'm crazy and it's all in my head. The pieces of the jigsaw fell together, but instead of relief that I'm not subconsciously 'faking it' all I feel is overwhelming anger that something else has gone wrong when I thought I'd gotten back on my feet.
But yet again, old my-own-worst-nightmare me is on the case, trying to sweep it under the rug, tell myself that it'll be fine, no big deal. I don't want to sweep it under the rug. I want to yell, I want to scream, I want to cry. I want someone to be as angry about this as me, to tell me that its ok to be enraged and to be enraged with me. I want someone to let me know that its ok to be weak and that its ok to grieve and that its ok to hate this. I want someone to tell me that this is so unfair, because then I'll know that I'm not just being oversensitive and that this really does suck hardcore. But no such person exists, because I seem physically incapable of showing any real person the pain this has caused. I sweep it under the rug for the public and leave the falling apart until private.
Perhaps it is a good thing that I have exams this week, and my surgery on Saturday. They're keeping me from doing anything stupid, I think without them this would have hit me even harder.
I had my first exam today, it was ok. My last one is on Thursday. Thankfully I got both my essays back and did well enough on both that I can't fail the subjects no matter how well I do in the exams. This is a relief for now, but I wonder how happy I'll be with myself if I don't do excellently when results come out..... Part of me is tempted to pull out the medical certificate and not do the exam. I thought I could do it, but wasn't counting on fibro coming out of the hat. Maybe I still can, maybe I still should. I don't know the difference between being lazy and giving myself the care I need. I don't know how much I need to do and how much are my unrealistically high expectations telling me what I have to do. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know and its driving me crazy.
I hate being like this, I hate being such a mess, I want this to be over, I want to know who I am again.