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A tough day

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Written by babz 6. Jun 2008 11:33 PM

I have found a solution to my uni drama, at least I think I have. The tutor/lecturer in the subject I was concerned about gave us a lot of very helpful information about what the exam will be on/what we should study, and it is very manageable to do before my exam on the 19th. My other subject I am not worried about - I have done well enough of the semester that I am now at the point where I can walk into the exam, write my name on the paper and walk out and still pass. This is a massive relief to me, because failure to me is a terrifying thing. I still don't know if I have reached that point in my other subject because I haven't got my essay mark yet.

Yesterday was tough. I had skating first thing in the morning and my coach was particularly horrible and it was my day to cop the abuse. It had changed from attacks based on skating skills to personal attacks as well as physical pushing/hitting me. Not hard, but enough to distress me. I went to DBT and within half an hour was bawling my eyes out. I started crying during morning tea when people were asking me if I was OK, I left because I was embarrassed about crying in the dining room. I went outside and one of the group leaders came out to talk to me. I was very ashamed at first, because I am not a graceful crier, and I can't help but see emotion as a sign of weakness. I don't like crying in front of people, particularly professionals. I was sobbing a lot and my nose was running all over the place - not a pretty sight. He talked to me about what had happened at the rink and encouraged me to use my interpersonal skills I had learnt in group to talk to my coach. I explained why this wasn't an option and so he explained that instead of using the skills to talk to her, I can use other skills to regulate and tolerate the distress that she causes me.

I then had to go back to skating, had a few close encounters of the cold kind, my back is sore again now from over-flexing it. This session though was with my other coach and he's a great guy, so I had fun despite the tiredness and numerous hugs with the ice.

Got home and collapsed on the couch for a few hours. Around midnight I realised I needed some stuff I hadn't needed since I moved in (that time of the month) and for the life of me couldn't find them and got really really angry. Eventually found them in an annoyingly logical place, but by this time was really upset - just from tiredness, pain and hormonal crap. Took my meds and went to bed.

Today was OK, better than yesterday. I had my DBT 1 on 1 today, and as usual behaved like an obstinate teenager much to my own disgust. My 1 on 1 is trying SO hard to help me and is being SO nice and I WANT to talk to him I just freeze up every time I have a session. I don't know why, I just sit there sullenly answering in as short an answer as possible and volunteering very little. Today was worse because I was trying really hard to stay with it - the room was swimming and all because since I took my meds really late, they were still very sedating. I think I find the 1 on 1 sessions harder now that they are on a Friday - day after what is always a long and draining day with two training sessions and the DBT group. I used to have sessions on Monday, I think maybe I will call and ask him if it is possible to change back to earlier in the week. Anything is worth a try, I need this program to help me. I need to get better, I have a lot of life left and I want to live it, not exist like I am now.

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Comments from the community:

OK, so take back my last comment about being easy on yourself, it's obvious that you can do this girl... go for it and get it done. Don't put it off, just do it babz.

I personally don't think there is any such thing as a graceful crier, and after your coach has physically been violent to you then I think you are very justified in having a good old cry. Is that what coaches are supposed to do? I have 2 little boys, 9 and 7 and they're both learning how to play football and basketball and if their coaches hit them then I'd f_cking deck them. Sport is supposed to be enjoyable. I know there's a level you get to where it becomes quite serious, but at the end of the day it's still sport and if it become unenjoyable then what's the point in doing it?

As far as 1 on 1 goes with your DBT, do you think that you're being obstinant because he's a male? Maybe you would respond better to a female in the same role? I dunno, just a question where I could be completely barking up the wrong tree.

Take care,

karen x

Written by fly, 6. Jun 2008 11:45 PM

Quite the opposite - as a general rule I don't get on with female psychologists and psychiatrists. I'm not a touchy feely kind of person and I find most female psychs seem patronising to me. All my pdocs have been male and the only two psychologist I've had (out of about 5) that I get on with are male. My GP and phsyio are the only female medical professionals I've met that in my whole life that I actually get on with.

Yes, I agree with you about the sport thing. But I love the skating, I just hate the politics crap and the pressure that goes with it. But do I give up on the thing I love that makes me happy because of a coach that occasionally makes me miserable? She is a perfectionist, and she wants us to go to worlds next year, so she is pushing us. That is part and parcel with where I want to be with skating.

Written by babz, 6. Jun 2008 11:58 PM

I agree with Fly. Even at a professional/competitive level, sport should be enjoyable. Your coach was WAY out of line. Critisism on your performance may be acceptable, but physical and personal abuse is totally NOT! No matter how bad she wants you to go to Worlds, this attack was wrong. She is being unprofessional.

Written by Maya, 7. Jun 2008 12:15 AM

Hi again babz,

I'm glad you find solace in talking to males, I was barking up the wrong tree there. I would have to admit that I'm actually envious of the skating thing, to have such a passion for something is something that i wish for myself, but at 40, nearly 41 I think my sporting days are just about behind me! So keep going with the skating, I used to be one heck of a roller skater, not much on ice though, always turned my ankles in too much on the blades, to over compensate for rolling my ankles outwards as they tend to do (too much rolling of ankles during netball).

As long as you know what you want in life babz I'm with you all the way. I'm so proud of you for giving yourself a good kick up the @rse and atually just getting the job done. Good on you girl.

Have a good weekend,

Luv Karen xxx

Written by fly, 7. Jun 2008 12:34 AM

Babz

Glad to know the exam issue is resolved and you know what to do for it - always helps if the examiner gives some hints as to what to study.

You had a hard day yesterday but you got through it and you should be proud of yourself - you achieved it - got through skating twice and uni and dbt. I am glad you find yourself comfortable with a male doctor. The only females I see is a female gp for a smear test and my psychologist who says I am a work in progress to my psychiatrist. The female psychiatrist I had was scottish and very scottish and I couldn't understand her so I left her and went back to my old psychiaatrist.

You will get through the skating and the exam now you know how best to deal with your coach and know what you have to study.

Go Babz!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 7. Jun 2008 04:03 PM

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