Tinitus and the blind woman
A page in the diary ""
Written by keller 29. May 2008 05:48 PM
Well the noise seems to be growing and thank you all for the advice on tinnitus but what you need to realise is that the issue is not simply one of getting used to it. I rely on my hearing for sense of direction particularly on street crossings. So if I stand at a road way I need to be able to hear with both ears to get a sense of direction, I usually manage this with a hearing aid in the million dollar ear but the sound I am having is precluding use of my aid. See how rationally I can explain it….what it actually means is if it doesn’t disappear or can be treated in some way I am plain and simply fucked in terms of my independence.
So how do I feel about that? Angry sad depressed overwhelmed defeated suicidal, just pick one and it will be me on any given day.
I trust my surgeon beyond words and if said more surgery or more this or that I would do what ever he says. Its still the unknowing the uncertainty. And it is still the risk.
And I am risking. I traveled to and from the city today and if I go to the building I went to today its OK there are no road crossings. But if I go to the other building there are 4 road crossings two of which aren’t signaled (audible traffic lights).
I am not looking for sympathy here – that would be worse than the condition but I felt I needed to give some perspective to the magnitude of the problem. If this is not repairable or manageable it will mean I never leave my house alone again…EVER
And this is something I cannot do, will not do. I will not live that life…the one of a totally disabled person who is dependant on others for everything.
I feel really sarcastic and angry and when I read other diaries I think don’t you know how good you have it (yes there is some self pity here) but I can only say how it is, depression is one thing but complete and utter dependence is something else.
My noise sits here in the background every moment reminding me of what’s coming IF it is not repairable. But just wait a few weeks they say…I am waiting. I am terrified and I am alone in my fear.