down but not out....yet?
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Written by keller 15. May 2008 09:01 PM
I couldn’t do the DBT thing today I did not have the energy or motivation and hubby was reasonably insistent that I not go given how unwell I was yesterday with two hours in town.
I rang my sister last night and told her what was going on for me; I couldn’t get too much into the emotional side of things and again just went on about the noise and the tests and stuff. She offered to take me to my appointments on Tuesday with the psychologist and the specialist but there is no way I could do this. I am sure hubby is of the assumption that he will be coming and I need to find out about his intentions.
I would much prefer to go on my own. Always want to go on my own.
I think this is because I cant handle the intensity of having to tell someone else everything, like I need to keep it for myself until I get it and I know this is not the most practical of all approaches because people don’t know the emotional journey I have taken and I dump things on them like a big shock but it is the only way that feels right and I am comfortable with.
Have always dealt with my own stuff and even though I can at least see the reasons for sharing along the way I don’t feel the benefits out weight the panic and fear I go through to tell others along the way. Not sure if this makes sense. It is now I am understanding that I am making a choice where as before I was not making a choice I just did it because that was all I knew. Perhaps this is progress but I don’t think it is much.
I have been a lot of reading on line today about the procedure I had done 3 years ago and the risk of reoccurrence or other issues anatomically are reasonably small. Maybe it is just some sort of tinnitus which may or may not be treatable. But the GP indicated he had seen something that was not normal in my ear and really didn’t push for much more. Wait for the tests, wait. Well yep I am waiting.
I ask myself why I have let this slay me. Why have I fallen so far down that I can’t see a path back up again? Why am I sleeping or in bed 14 hrs a day? Why do I not get again about the feeling side of it, why is it constantly on my mind when all the facts are not in?
Part of it must be about reconstructing what happened before and just how awful the whole process was and just how much I knew Hubby, the boys and my friends and family were filled with fear…and almost how much they cared about what happened to me. I know how much they care, and I thought I did at that time too but I sort of felt and still do why, why do they care, what is it that I give them that enables them to care for me. Why am I, an emotional spastic, a raft of physical conditions and a depressed woman, of any value in their lives?
I say this obviously at a low ebb, but I think some of this thinking infiltrates even when I was “well” or not as depressed.
And the actual remembering of what it was like after, for months after where I could not go anywhere unaccompanied for fear of falling as my head spun in true vertigo loops. The pain and immobility after the surgery, the difficulty of the hospital stay, the days on morphine which just screwed my senses. The practicalities of the wounds, the shaved hair. I was scared and I am still scared of those things having to happen again. So there it is fear. It’s not my favorite emotion and one I probably run the furthest from. To me it seems an inactive sort of thing.
And I know the other part is about more loss, grief for what has and can still be further lost, because now I was just sort of getting to it. Like I was getting to a pattern and a life worth living, the work thing rocked me but I sort of get why that was now. With this ear thing I feel extremely melancholy (I am using my list of emotions here) and perhaps crushed and defeated is also apt.
I know it’s a wait and see. I know there are hurdles, more hurdles to live through and no one ever promised it was going to be easy but I get stuck on the fact that I have had such a crap run at it over the last five years. If you asked me if all this was going to happen five years ago I would have said no way, not to me. It’s like this all coming up brings back feelings I have had (and can really feel the similarity too) over the last period of time. And I feel I am running backwards again. Like I progressed on the grief scale to some extent but now am back on the first rung.
Perhaps others may say well at least you have a life. But at times I question that, and that maybe I don’t want this life, so that sort of argument does not help. At least you have friends and family and children be strong for them. And do I value what I give them when I am basically an invalid if this all happens? Don’t know not sure any more.
Perhaps enough drivel
Thanks for reading and support, it is keeping me here
Liz
XXX