a life worth living?
A page in the diary ""
Written by keller 8. May 2008 07:57 PM
So on Tuesday I saw the psychologist and my god again I can’t begin to describe what I feel. We go though the usual pleasantries and she is amazed when I tell her I have gone back to work.
Are you ready she asks?
F…ked if I know I say, it just sort of snowballed with a call from an old contact.
And I told her the sort of work I will be doing and again she asked if I was ready for that, and I said guess I will just have to see. (pun)
We chatted for a bit more and I said I had been having difficulty with how people were reacting to me going back to work, hubby thought it was great, friends think its all great, even the kids think it is all great. But me…..I feel like I am doing what needs to be done to live a life worth living, you know this is one of the pieces in the jigsaw. Its not the life I had before but it’s a life.
She probes more and I feel the familiar sensation of slipping away of loosing words and of tuning out and shutting down. She asks me why it bothers me so that others are so happy for me, I don’t know I say, I don’t know what it is.
But I think I know, its like I am not back to my usual work self, sure the suit is on and I am talking the talk but its not me, its not right. She asks what is wrong and I tell her I am not well, I am still not well, I don’t feel right.
After some more conversation she tells me – you don’t have to do this you know, you don’t have to work. You have a choice about what you do.
I don’t I don’t feel like I have a choice, the image of me is formed with a work role attached.
Today at DBT I could not share. You go round the room and you need to share what’s been happening for you and the skills you are using etc. I tried but the facilitator asked questions and I just couldn’t. I told her to back off I couldn’t share; she told me that’s why you are here. I said very firmly I cant I just can’t. I wasted a whole day trapped in my own head.
At the end of the day the facilitator wants me to stay around, she hits me with a DAS questionnaire because she is worried about me, Yeh it comes out crap again (knew that from my depnet test the other night). She asks me what my plans are over the next few days, and would I call her over the next few days and check in. Here we go again. I agree as a means of escape. I just have to leave, I should not have gone at all, glutton for punishment.
What sits in my head is this.
I need to do the things that make me feel worthwhile or an external view of what is worthwhile but I am still pretending.
If I stop trying to recover and regain some life things I know what there is.
There is suicide again, sitting and lurking and I try to move it away but it sticks fast.
So I am faking it to make it, I am faking what it is I should be doing so I can make my life continue. That’s what is below all this. It’s one or the other, a life worth living or a death. Its not some feeble suicide call for help. It is just my thoughts