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precipice

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Written by keller 28. Apr 2008 03:02 PM

I have been struggling a bit with my thoughts of late and can’t seem to get them sorted in my mind.
I feel like I am at a precipice and I have options to journey on or back down from where I came. I am struggling to know quite how to get where I want to be, and not even sure where I want to be.

It is like now I don’t want what I had, like whatever the hell that was, but I am now not so sure about what it is.

I think this is coming on heavy because this week I am returning to work for the first time in around 18 months, and I think the role I am going back to is the first time I have felt like "me" going back to work. I held a job after my eyesight diminished but it was a significantly different job to the one I had before loosing my sight. The most recent job was local, a team leaders sort of role with a community organisation with little responsibility, short hours and lousy pay. My job before that was as a National Manager with an Insurance company, high stress, and long hour’s huge pay and yes this sort of work defined me.

So now I am going back to something city based (yep put the suit back on!) it is only part time but it is at a strategic consultant level. So it will at least interest me, which the last job didn't.

Now why I am so confused is because now I don’t know what I want in my working and living life and I am scared I am just going to fill it up again with "work" type stuff, I am also on a hospital board, and am president of the school council where my son attends. SO yes I am filling it up with stuff.

After working with my psychologist for 18 months I am wondering if again I am distracting my self from everything as a means not to feel anything. No time to feel and again I shut down and my depression hits in when things bother me because I have no way of letting off some steam.

You see unlike most people I think I am very unable to express even the most basic of emotions to others, I am always in control. I was always in control more like it, now at least I can say a few things, but I don’t cry, OK I rarely cry, and I need to cry. I would like to cry about many things and I have worked in this for months for with the psychologist, its not like I have not got things to cry about.

In the last twelve months I have cried twice. Once when I was at the funeral of my friends Rod and was holding his 12 year old son and before that the night I went into hospital (mental health unit) more out of confusion and frustration.

The only other emotions I can recall over recent years have been anger. I was not connected to my anger in any way; I could not describe or understand it was just there. My anger held me back from accepting what had happened to me and what was happening to me.

I lost my sight, my independence and my identity.
I was very lost and confused and very suicidal.

After a long stay in hospital and further work and understanding I began to replace my anger with acceptance and then came where I am now, still a hallow feeling. I can lift sometimes when I am with my friends or family but what is at my core is still emptiness.

I started a DBT group which was surprising to me because I have been learning allot about emotions and ways to deal with them and express them. This group has been torturous because it is exactly what I need, it makes me speak up about my own feelings, it gives me access to others who have the same issues with emotions and finally it has begun to give me strategies to deal with things.

So where I am now is that I seem to be going back to the work stuff and is it again a flee from all of the feeing side of my life? No I really hope not. Is it reclaiming some identity? Well yes I hope so I think.

Now those who tell me I think too much....well yes I absolutely do think too much but I fill up my time as much as I can so as not to get into the spirally feeling of ruminating. And times I allow myself time to just be and think.

So no solutions here just wanted to get it down and record it for me.

If you have read all of this then thank you.

Be well and happy

Liz

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Comments from the community:

Keller

Good luck with going back to work. Well done to be doing that after 18 months.

Try and think of the positives about going back to work and hopefully you will see them.

Go Keller!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 28. Apr 2008 06:37 PM

hey you mmmwa

I reckon it takes a certain type of person to make it in the corporate world, certain characteristics and personality traits, lots of determination and persistence, an ability to communicate with others, free thinking etc etc etc.

Not everyone is cut out for it, and to make it as far as you did says a lot about you as a person. Yeah sure, I call you a corporate hard arsed bitch, but that actually isnt such a bad thing in the position you were in. If you were a mouse there's no way you woulda made it!
Yes your working life helped to define who you are as a person. As did your childhood. Also your marriage and the type of bond you have with your hubby. And becoming a mother twice over...

And so did losing your hearing and sight.

I cant relate in anyway to what its like to lose your sight or hearing, but you know something? Im glad you did coz if it wasnt for that you wouldnt be the person you are and nor would you be here. I love you Liz, your an inspiration to me and my life is so much better for having met you.

I think you returning to work is the best thing for you Liz. I know how deeply you love your family, and how much it troubles you that you havent been able to contribute to the family in a meaningful financial way.

Im positive it hasnt worried your hubby but I know it has given you many a sleepless night and made you feel useless and worthless. Those are feelings I CAN relate to. But Im not the corporate type, Im a people person, thats why I do what I do on here.

To not have that communication, to not be able to be of assistance and help others tears me apart as its like something at the very core of me is missing, my sense of identity, the thing that defines who I am. What is it that defines you? In a nutshell your a corporate hard arsed bitch and always will be! lol

Except the first time was like..... its like you had to do everything you could to ensure your status and success. Because of your childhood and various inflictions, there where things you had to prove, not only to yourself but to the world as well.

You proved those things Liz. You achieved the status, respect, self worth, and financial freedom you so desperately needed.

But despite all of that, things went haywire internally coz of all the hidden traumas you were refusing to acknowledge.

And as is usually the case, they came back to bite you on the arse! So you faced them head-on as its all you could do. Sure, many a time you tried to run a mile, but you never really got far coz those issues are like your "shadow" following you everywhere, you can run but you cant hide from them.

After the battle of your life, which almost cost you your life, you have reached a new level of understanding. While those traumas will always be a part of you, you have been able to put them into perspective somewhat, and you have learnt coping mechanisms. They no longer control you, they are merely a part of you.

You have reached the stage in your life of "whats next"? The corporate bigwig in you has always been there, waiting patiently in the background until you were ready to meet her again, and now that you are ready, she's welcoming you back with open arms.

Except this time round its gonna be vastly different for you, I do hope you realise that? Your worried your filling your life with "work" to avoid facing things? I think you HAVE to return to work to complete the journey you started out on.

Your life as you knew it was over when you started losing your sight and hearing. You fell into the "victim" role. Not a victim of violence, but a victim of circumstance. Everything about you became about being the victim. Your life had no purpose, no meaning, it was "oh woe is me"(if you get what I mean...)

But after having travelled thus far, you have reached a cross roads in your life. As I asked you in a recent post: "How FAR will you go Liz? Will you go all the way? Step over the edge into unknown territory? Or over t

Written by Gyps, 28. Apr 2008 06:41 PM

Or over the edge of the abyss?" And you have made your decision...

Yes you have decided to return to the kind of work you used to do... Yes you have decided to take on a more fulfilling job... Yes you have decided to take on a position that will enable you to financially contribute to your family...

But the most important thing Liz is you have decided to start living again! And because of the journey you have travelled, and the crucial lessons you have learnt along the way, not only about yourself but about others and life in general, this time I dont think you will be the corporate bitch..... this time I think you have grown and matured into a woman with such wealth of wisdom and compassion that you truly WILL take the world by storm.

Just take it slow hun, feel your way into the new job and each day I want you to spend 5 minutes at work with your eyes closed, just feeling the new environment. Breathe it in and allow it to become a part of you again, welcome it back like and old friend and you'll do fine, just fine...

You've almost come full circle Liz, the end is in sight, the end of your pain and long suffering, do you see now how the end is really a new beginning? Grab hold Liz and complete the circle, you've come so far and achieved so much, and Im SO very very proud of you!

Lots of love and endless support,
Tan
xxx

Written by Gyps, 28. Apr 2008 06:42 PM

I too often think too much..that's half the problem, I guess.
Best of luck with your new job - I'd love to have a job that interests me!
You are an inspiration, Keller!
Cheyne

Written by hippiechick, 28. Apr 2008 11:22 PM

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