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Comments from the community:

Keller

You and hubby need to have a chat and you need to put it on the table that you need to be able to bounce ideas about your health off him and he needs to just listen and help if you ask for help.

It is good to hear you are happy with your therapist and it isn't her. Just need to show your emotions/feelings and hubby needs to be there to share that with you. Take him to a couple of sessions so he understands things/can help the therapist - my hubby sees my psychiatrist with me and it helps all of us.

Go Keller!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 19. Apr 2008 05:25 PM

LMFAO. Oh you just told me sooo much with yr comment there Liz!
Cant comment now, been waiting in ED for 2hrs 2 drop of what I drained from th infection today- yeah its a fair bit!
Will comment when Im home
Mmmwa xxx

Written by Gyps, 19. Apr 2008 07:12 PM

I give up Studying, I really do I dont think you understand anything I ever write, whether its me or you I am not sure.

I find all of your comments annoy me and as such would ask that you no longer comment on my posts.

I am sorry if this offends or upsets you it is something I have been thinking about for a while.

I wish you well

Keller

Written by keller, 19. Apr 2008 07:24 PM

hey Liz,
Ive copied your poem onto here so its all on the one page for me and Im going to read it in relation with my comment to it and your post here (Ive edited out parts of my comment that weren't relevant/correct based on your comment here)... I had a real brainwave as soon as I read this post yesterday but do you think I can remember what it was? lol


Therapy

A page in the diary ""
Written by keller 18. Apr 2008 06:25 PM

Why must I speak?
When I have nothing to say.
Why must I confuse
What is worthwhile and what is play
Why must I divulge
These things in my mind
Why must I describe
What is impossible to find
Is it for you that I give and I give?
Or is it for me a reason to live?

Every day
Every passing day
I retreat or venture out
It’s all that I am about
How far will I go?
If I speak this they will know
What I don’t know
Every day
Every single day

Comments from the community:

feelings.....

you dont understand them so you cant describe them... yet you feel compelled to try, to make your psych happy...

I also think your fundamentally scared of discussing your innermost thoughts and feelings as then cluey people will understand you when you dont even understand yourself ... "If I speak this they will know
What I don’t know..."

That says your scared of being hurt again and you are feeling very very vulnerable.....

************************************************

it is not the person its the process that is leaving me wrung out.

Gyps is right I am not able to release my emotions with anyone, its always hard work and sometimes I choose to and sometimes I dont choose to

My pain is deep. I dont suffer from social disadvantage and I dont suffer from a lack of social connections, I am happily married with two great kids.

I suffer from my own inability to express my emotions, I close down shut shop and shut up. I was taught to do this, this is the reality of it. I try to change I really do and yet sometimes i doubt that need to change and i wonder if i can just shrink and slip away...but no. Others are holding me up keeping me buoyant, my therapist my husband my friends.

I feel like I am a dead weight, and I am not even all that depressed this moment I am cruising OK.

The poem actually meant a process of therapy, alone, with others with your self the process of being therapeutic.

*********************************************

Hope you dont mind me editing my comment and this post as I have, I guess you could say Ive deleted the...
distractions, and got to the heart of it, analysing it maybe, but you know my only intention is to help you xxx


Hmmmmmmm..............

Okay hun, time for some "psycho-babble-bullshit" for you, just coz I love you SO much xxx

You write that your not even all that depressed at the moment, your cruising along ok.... and thats probably true, but tell me something? Do you feel content? Happy? Peaceful? At ease? I doubt it hun

But being "not all that depressed" is a good thing, you need to "cruise along okay" for a while and get used to that change in your way of thinking and be comfortable with it. For ANY change in our thinking, whether its a positive or a negative change, is an effort for us and it takes a lot out of us. So you need to give yourself time to adapt and be comfortable.

You also question the need to change? You wonder if you could just shrink and slip away.....

Sure, you could do that, slip away into nothingness, just become another statistic in this shitty ol' world of ours! It'd be SO easy, so why not? Why DONT you just slip away Liz?????

You've had such a crappy life, right from the time you were even conceived, and it hasn't gotten any easier, it just gets harder and harder the longer you live, so why not slip away?

Your pain and suffering would be over, you'd no longer have to fight every second of every minute of every hour of every day just to BE! All the heartache and anguish would FINA

Written by Gyps, 20. Apr 2008 06:30 PM

All the heartache and anguish would FINALLY be over for you and you'd be at peace at last, so WHY NOT???

Hell, half the time your not even living! Thats why you feel like such a dead weight! Your just existing, just a shell of a person. People put pressure on you to open up but you have nothing to say. They want to know how your feeling, but WHAT feelings? What the hell are THEY?

You have no concept of feelings as you shut down years and years ago as a protection strategy. BANG! The doors slammed shut on your heart! A barrier was put around you to protect you from the evils of the world!

But people just dont get this and they question you..... They want to know how you feel about things but your not even sure whats important anymore, is someone joking around or are they serious? To understand that you need to be in tune with the subtleties of emotions and what the hell are they?????

But gees, its not like you could ever say this to anyone coz you dont even understand it all yourself, your just existing from day to day wondering whats gonna happen next...

You give and give to those around you but your not even sure why you do that? Is it for them coz its the right thing to do and its what they need, or is it to keep you alive, to have some sense of purpose in your life?

You wake up and if your strong enough you'll venture out into the big bad world, or if your vulnerable you'll retreat and hide away from possile harm. What the hell kind of life is that and how long is it going to go on for?

How FAR will you go Liz? Will you go all the way? Step over the edge into unknown territory? Or over the edge of the abyss?

But you sure as hell cant discuss this with anyone as that'd be letting other people know whats going on inside, and you dont even understand it yourself so how would you ever give someone that power over you? To have someone know you intimately gives them the ability to hurt you and your buggered if your gonna let that happen again coz you've been hurt ENOUGH!

So you clam up tight as an Aussie cricketers arse with Delhi belly, not letting anyone in, not giving anyone the power to hurt you ever again.

So why not Liz, WHY NOT?????

Why not?

*Coz it goes against your personality!

*Coz no matter what life's thrown at you you've somehow managed to survive!

*Coz you sure as hell aint no quitter!

*Coz of the love of your family!

*Coz your not that coldhearted!

*Coz you have SO much love for your family that you wouldnt do it to them!

*Coz of your two precious sons who adore you!

*Coz despite all the crap in your life, there are also moments of happiness and joy!

*Coz of your husband who loves you so very very much!

*Coz for someone who is SO screwed up your an inspiration to SO many people!

*Coz your a stubborn arsed corporate bitch who doesnt give in! (once a corporate bitch ALWAYS a corporate bitch Liz, its those same personality traits and characteristics that enabled you to get so far in the corporate world that have seen you through life so far!)

*Coz deep down you know life CAN be better than this.

*Cos you KNOW you deserve better than this!

*Coz you know your fighting the battle of your life, you've just gotta find the right piece to start putting the jigsaw of your emotions together again...

*Coz you know Id track you down and kick your arse all the way back here for Jo to deal with!!!!!!!!!
And there aint no way you'd survive the two of us ganged up on you!!! lol mmmwa xxx

Does all of that make sense?

So as for the therapy side of things and why do you have to go through all the hell it entails?????

Coz you deserve every happiness in the world Liz, its one hell of an agonising process, you have to search deep within to find your TRUE INNER BEING, for its only when you do, that you will finally be free to be the person all of us on here know you are destined to be.

We can see your spirit shining thru Liz, sometimes it flickers

Written by Gyps, 20. Apr 2008 06:32 PM

We can see your spirit shining thru Liz, sometimes it flickers and dims... others it grows stronger and brighter, lighting up the way ahead....

But we can all see it and its about time you did too!

fondest love
Tan
xxx

Written by Gyps, 20. Apr 2008 06:33 PM