childhood home
A page in the diary ""
Written by keller 9. Apr 2008 08:09 PM
I visited my childhood home on the weekend, just happened to be in the neighborhood and oh god it was hard. I have since thought a lot about this and have gone through the process of observing and describing emotions (a DBT thing). What I came up in regards to feelings were – Bitterness/Uneasiness but they still don’t quite get to the gut level feelings I had. Anyway the exercise is done now and I am hopeful that doing things such as this after the event will lead me to doing them as things happen. But there will be occasions for just being mindful that I am feeling something, and that I can describe it later when I have the time to think about it. I am also hoping that doing this will reduce my stress and agitation levels and hence my sleep may improve.
I am also wondering about why it is that I am so anxious (still) in coming to see my psychologist. I have spoken to a few other people (those in my group) and another friend as to what it is that makes it seem so easy for them to speak to counselors /clin psychs. Most of the people I spoke to said its like they have someone on their side, somewhere where it is easy to just be themselves. I wrestle with this I really do. I can see the gains I have made with her, and I can see the value in continuing, but this initial fear and trepidation I always feel when coming to see her does not seem to resolve. I am as exhausted spending an hour with her as I am spending a day in the DBT group!
I do not think it is an issue of trust, at least not as it was for the first six months or so. I actually think I would communicate if I was at risk or whatever. It’s not a question of dislike as I enjoy her company when we are off topic or winding up and I value her insight and skill in assisting me. I was just hoping that after all this time it would not feel quite so anxiety provoking. I don’t want it to be like visiting a friend but conversely I don’t want it to be like visiting a dentist either! Anyway I will ponder this during daylight hours over the next period of time.
I do notice I am loosening up in being able to speak more and this must be a good thing, I just hope I am not using story telling as a way to avoid talking about how I feel. This is something I have noticed in myself.
Oh well that’s about it
Take care
Liz