I can see the progress in me
A page in the diary ""
Written by keller 20. Sep 2007 05:36 PM
Anoher session with the psychologist today, my mood has been much improved but it is still hard work. I really appreciate her challenging me and as much as I hate it at the time I can see the progress in me with this tactic.
Since leaving her office I have gone through a raft of emotions initially really pissed off because I came in this morning feeling quite good and then blamed her for feeling lousy, this is not fair this is just the way it was. I did some mindfulness meditation this afternoon and feel more what I am sitting with is fear, I am scared of all of this. I'm scared I can’t just express myself and find the words to say what it is I am feeling, I can’t access the feelings it like it’s in another language or something and I can’t get there. Then I get frustrated and angry and I turn that anger on her because I can’t resolve it in me. Then I feel guilty and stupid because I should do better. And every time I write or say that word should I am reminded by my own high expectations.
My defence mechanism she refers to as tthe protecotor ( a schema therapy conccpet) and she asksk “Why does the Protector fight for survival”? And I have thought about this and I think this is the strong part of my personality, the part that is confident and can do and the part that I have lived my life with. It is a greater part of me than this other part- what ever that is.
The protector is strong passionate able and what’s left, if that is not there, is small weak and disabled. But. I see the weakness in the protector in that it blocks me emotionally from having stronger connections, it is never allowed to fail or not know and always strives for perfection and I just can’t do that anymore. I'm tired of it and I don’t want it or like it. I am in a rift between this weak hopeless character that I feel is all that’s left if the protector slips away.
This afternoon whilst I have processed this I have had a huge degree of anxiety something I have been devoid of lately. And I know when the anxiety kicks in it’s because I am challenging the protector, the behaviors, that leave me where I am. I was anxious on my weekend away because I wanted to do something different, not because I couldn’t but because I could do something different and still chose not to…don’t know if that makes sense.
I am surprised that my relationships are strong and intact, I guess people see through to other parts of my character and they compensate for the weakness in me of not sharing emotional content.
There are things to mull over…..
I am making progress
Hope all are well