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It is not about her it is about me

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Written by keller 21. Jul 2008 02:08 PM

My mind is confused and distorted as I wrestle with my feelings. One of the group facilitators in DBT rang me this morning to see how it was going. It is not going good I told her.

It is interesting that all of a sudden all of my emotions are supposed to be about my sister, yes it is terrible, awful, confronting etc and I am indeed sad she is so unwell. But. And this is the but, call me a bitch or heartless or whatever, my current mood and thoughts started well before that incident and now they are heightened not out of fear for her death (although that exists) but more for the fact that she is fighting to live and I am not.

It is not about her it is about me.

I did not tell the DBT facilitator that. I could not find the words and I am so guilty that this is the way I am thinking/feeling.

I know I have given up on using the DBT skills in recent weeks. Sure I fill out the cards and go to the groups but I am not all that connected to the process just now. Yes I am depressed and this means I am devoid of much at all. And what I feel well, I just don’t understand.

The DBT facilitator tells me to share, ease the load, I am not doing this, this it is all on me and this is why its heavy I won’t let anyone share. Am I judgmental about my feelings and thoughts? Dam right I am. Because I am now not sure if I want to change at all. I am doing the therapy, doing the DBT, practicing mindfulness and jack has changed. Nothing has changed except awareness and my psych would say this is great you are growing your awareness. Awareness is the first indicator to change.

So am I on the path to wellness, to acceptance or am I just running around the edges again, not sure if to stay or go?

Either I embrace the therapy and group work and go along with what they say ins spite of how it makes me feel, trust in their judgments or do I just stop. Both are terrifying, to do nothing and exist in this thinking pattern is hard and painful. To let go and believe and trust…so hard as well

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Comments from the community:

Wow, it's like you read my mind with your thoughts about whether or not to stay in DBT. I wish I had the answers for you, but I don't. However, when I spoke to the one on one psychologist about it, he told me that a lot of people feel this, and that it is a normal part of learning to change years of unhealthy habits. I'm not sure if it's any consolation to you, I know it wasn't to me, but keep it in mind as you make your decision.

Written by babz, 21. Jul 2008 05:21 PM

Hi Liz

Grief of all kinds is about ourselves, not the one we are sad about. We feel grief about what we are losing, not anything to do with the person we grieve over.

I also understand the inability to understand the fight to survive.

The current level of depression you are experiencing may be linked to doing the DBT course. The more we look inside ourselves when we are emotionally unwell, the more depressed we are likely to become. I've had a couple of goes at CBT and each time ended up suicidal. Not going there again.

Be kind to yourself

Jenny

Written by jennytmaher, 21. Jul 2008 05:36 PM

Hi Liz,

It's so frustrating when you've felt like crap for such a long time, but now that your sister is ill people are suddenly OK with you feeling down, like its suddenly given them a tangible reason for you to be feeling depressed. And this is coming from a group facilitator at your DBT group - fooey to her!

You feel how you feel for a variety of reasons whether it be happy, sad, angry, defeated or whatever and our emotions are never just centred around one particular thing, it's an intricate web of situations and issues.

Please don't feel guilty about not having the fight in you, that's what depression does to us.

As for the DBT group I can't tell you whether to continue going or give it up. Maybe it's not the right group for you, or maybe you'd be better with a one on one therapist. Perhaps you could explore some new avenues while continuing with the DBT group and see if you can find a suitable replacement. Yeah I know.... you can't be bothered looking around anymore right, but come on Liz, you're an important person to a lot of people and you owe it to them as well as yourself, OK.

Take care,
Karen xxx

Written by fly, 21. Jul 2008 09:42 PM

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