I apologise to those in chat last night,
A page in the diary ""
Written by keller 26. Jun 2008 06:55 PM
I apologise to those in chat last night, it was very inappropriate to talk about ending my life. I am truly sorry for doing that. You have all be so good to me for so long. Your support and guidance have helped a lot.
On Tuesday evening just past I discovered that my new hearing issue (noise) is permanent and no solution to it other than a psychological one. I told my specialist I was well covered in terms of Psychiatrist/Clinical Psychologist.
And again I wanted to cry, I also wanted to run away….far away.
I did not know how I could face the prospect of telling my husband and others of this latest news adding substantially to my level of disablement. My ability to navigate independently using my white cane and hearing aids is going to be almost non existent. I will wait a few weeks before having a review with my mobility and orientation instructor. I just need time to decide and digest.
I ran away for a few hours and contemplated my new world. I had a taxi drop me at the southern end of Bondi Beach. I needed a space to compose and repose myself and deal with a raft of emotions and thoughts. But I was not safe, I didn’t know where the hell I was, I could hear the sea crashing, I just wanted to hear it, I sat on the grass and listened and I was cold and shivering but I was feeling something. I asked a passer by where is best to get a taxi from and fortunately he was helpful and took me back to Campbell Parade, I am often overwhelmed by peoples help. He flagged me a taxi after checking I was alright – yes and no I said but thank you for helping and caring.
I was solidly in emotional mind and I never go there, I rarely go there and so am so stressed when I do that I am wracked with fear. I don’t know how to be sad, I know I am not angry anymore given up on that one after 40 years. It worked well for me to be angry. Now I am empty. I am alone in my own misery though many surround me.
And my reasoned mind kicked in and began working out the pros and cons of leaving the earth and my phone kept buzzing with calls and messages and I knew the world wants me here. But can I be here, what can I do now, it’s a day by day existence at present
.
So I am still lost in my own ideation, still understanding myself, still working out what I need to do, still looking at options, still feeling guilt and confusion and sadness.
Still not talking.
Alone amongst many.
Take care all,
Liz
XXX