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UPDATEIm swearing and I am upset SORRY

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Written by keller 11. Jun 2008 09:28 PM

So after a year and a half of tearing me apart and focusing on the fact I am not able to socially share I get this

'Perhaps the goal of being able to communicate your thoughts and emotions to others has been elevated too high on the list, or maybe it should be removed from the list completely'

What the fuck, how does this just change, she says we will need to revisit our goals, dam straight, how this can be the most important thing, the thing I have been striving for for a year and a half and now, and it’s too hard we won’t do that anymore.

I needed her to be in control, I cant plan, I cant set goals doesn’t she get this, oh shit the person I have told my whole life to is now changing tact on what seems like a whim.

She knows me so well, she sent all the literature through on social sharing and what it is important for and how some people don’t need, don’t get social satisfaction from it.

For the last 18 months I have felt so dysfunction, so alone, and I have been looking after myself for the last nearly 30 years, oblivious to the fact that I was a social retard.

I feel so wounded by this, I am so confused, I think I will just cancel all my appointments and see how I travel.

I had so much respect for this woman and now what do get confused intellectual psycho babble. Yes she knows I will read all the journal articles because she knows me and I am looking for a sense of truth and a way to get through this depression and be functional and have a life worth living

Guess like that’s not going to happen, guess now its something else to accept, like my blindness, like my deafness the issue of my mental health is now too hard, just accept it, I am worth nothing on this earth nothing at all.

I am so over the whole fucked up thing

UPDATEXXXX

Yes I hear you all, it is the clinical psychologist and yes i owe her at least the time to discuss it. This is not really about my blindness it is about my developed coping skills, i have never shared, I suffer apparently from a borderline personality disorder and my main issues aere regulation of emotions

It is all screwed I think, I am angry and confused I cant beleive i have wasted so much time trying to improve my life, did i need to bother at all.

Tonight i am wracked with thoughts of suicidie and yes mods sorry for mentioning it but that is the reality, i stick by my promise to call life line or my clin psych if htings deterirate

May not be able to call the psych however.

I am going to bed now, have taken about 4 x my sleeping meds tonight to make sure i get to sleep and stay there, this is not a death dash i know exactly what it would take to end my life i wokrded that out a while ago

thanks for the support and i will see how tomorrow fares

night all

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Comments from the community:

Huh?? Wow oookkk. Hmmm. Geez that would set me off too!! Maybe she meant for now? Can you go back and tell her that? clearly you are angry and maybe its best she knows she did wrong? prob not good to give up on her, she is human and prone to mistakes and obviously made a bad judgement but maybe in a way it will serve as a means for you both to get to know each other even better?

Written by untouchable, 11. Jun 2008 09:35 PM

You seem to be sharing very effectively at present. This site is a good place, I believe, to do that. I'd probably get some clarification of the issue. Perhaps she (psychologist?) means that you should have other priorities.

Written by TerryN, 11. Jun 2008 10:00 PM

Hi Liz,

I can certainly understand your frustration at your psychologists sudden change of tack. A year and a half is a long time to commit to wanting to change for the better and if you being unable to feel comfortable socially is one of your biggest issues then she should respect that and keep trying to help you.

I can only imagine that being blind and with ongoing ear problems that feeling able to share socially would be of major importance to you.

Maybe she was just having a bad day, don't give up on her just yet. Go back and explain how upset this change in direction has made you feel and see what she has to say. A year and a half building up a trusting relationship is a long time to throw away after one dud appointment.

You are not a social retard Liz, you are a great support to many people here on depnet, and your replies are no where near that of a social retard matey!!

I haven't got any kids sporting commitments after school tomorrow, so I hope I can catch up with you in the chat room and offer you my support.

Take care special Liz,

Luv Karen xxx

Written by fly, 11. Jun 2008 10:34 PM

Do you remember I talked with you ages ago re personality types? As in acheivement, recognition, social or security oriented? Maybe that is where she is going, as in you have done the work, but, it won't give you the ultimate sense of self because you are not type B social. I am only guessing here. But what I do know is this, a good relationship, therapeutic or otherwise, needs honesty to survive, so when you feel up to it, let her know how you feel about today's events. She said perhaps, and maybe, so she needs your input there and revisiting goals is a healthy thing to do as you know.
What I find is my emotional reaction to a statement often overshadows my ability to deal with the real content of what was actually said, a day or two later I can deal with it appropriately once my initial emotional reaction has passed.
I do understand why what she said has distressed and confused you and I have said many times depression is not feeling blue all the time, it encompasses so many symptoms of which decision making or altering course is a really difficult one. You have changed so many things that the thought of changing something else right now is maybe just too much! Only suggestions...
I am very sorry you are so distraught and hope you can work out why this is so disturbing, with her, together, so you can keep moving forward.
All the best.

Written by maple, 11. Jun 2008 11:57 PM

Hey my friend,

Haven't been on here regularly, and haven't been keeping up with things on here. Once again, just popped on briefly tonight and saw your entry.

Firstly, YOU DON'T NEED TO BE 'SORRY' FOR BEING UPSET.

Secondly, I don't understand what was meant by what was written to you by your psych. I've never met you face to face Liz, but I want you to know that YOU DO SHARE! and you are a special and wonderful and kind and intelligent friend to me and I love you very much.

Your life matters to me...and I know for a fact I'm not the only one it matters to. You matter Liz. You are important. You are worthwhile. You are beautiful. Please stay safe, and know that there are many that care about you and value you.

I just want to send you lots of love. A while back you mentioned you might be coming through Perth later in the year. If so, please get in touch.

Lots and lots of love,

Your friend who has faith in you,

Kimberly
xoxo

Written by newlife, 12. Jun 2008 01:20 AM

Hi Liz,

It pains me to read of your despair at the moment, I hope today has been a better day for you. I too was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder a couple of years ago, but I think I'm a borderline BPD LOL!!

I have been feeling in despair and desperately sorry for calling my psychologist while I was drunk and behaving like a petulant child, so I called and got an appointment with her, which I had this morning, and she was fine with what I did. She made a few jokes about it and our relationship is as strong as ever. That was such a relief to me.

So what I'm trying to say after all of that Liz, is that I think it would be better if you made another appt with your psychologist as early as possible so you can discuss your frustration after the last appointment and hopefully get some resolution to your anger. Don't take it out on yourself when you're feeling despair over the last appointment, go back there and take it out on your psych.

Take care,

Karen xxx

Written by fly, 12. Jun 2008 07:44 PM

Liz,,

I know exactly where you are coming from, my psychologist has just dump a huge change on my treatment today as well.
Try being called `Not fit for society` that is what a psychiatrist from a local hospital said to me last year. It really tore me apart even more. To me, I don`t think some of them know as much as they make out about talking to us humans in a decent manner. Take my GP, he WANTS things to get worse for me, before I can get new medications to help me.. I just didn`t believe what he said to me, as suicidal as I am at the moment. Sometimes tehy don`t think of what they are actually saying to us..

Take Care, you are a great asset to all of us on this site. Take you,, yes you, actually taking time out of your life, no matter what shit you yourself are going through, to help all of us here. Including me, yesterday remember. If it wasn`t for and Jo I wouldn`t have been here today to write on here. I was about to end my life yesterday. But you both seemed to talk to me and ease my intentions. So please keep yourself safe. You are worthy and needed by us. We all love and need ppl like you on here. Don`t do anything silly,OK!

((((((liz))))))

Regards,

Lynda

Written by lynda, 13. Jun 2008 01:43 AM

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