writing ramble
A page in the diary ""
Written by keller 6. Jun 2008 02:17 PM
Need to touch base and make sure I am not loosing my mind.
Went to DBT and got there late, I don’t like to be late. Almost as soon as I got there I could feel the developing migraine feeling, I don’t get them very often at all but knew it was coming.
So they did the first 5 “sharing” and then we had morning tea, heaps more time to get more anxious. After morning tea I went next and I just didn’t know what to say. I spoke about the idea that I am not as emotional now as I have been and about the fact that I felt I had lost all my anger and this was my coping style and as yet didn’t think I had much to replace it with and I was lost and feeling very dysfunctional. I spoke about the noise in my head and the stuff associated with that. I don’t quite know what else. They had my diary card for the last week and started to drill in on the times I was very high on not wanting to share and that I had done it anyway, this was the Tuesday with the psych – but whilst I had shared some of my thoughts I had held back as well – out of fear. They also noted another time (last Sunday) when I had scored high in not wanting to ask for help but that I had anyway. This was when we as a family went to the Swans game at the SCG and I spoke to hubby on the way there about the sort of help I would need, big events have become a source of anxiety for me. They all thought this was fantastic, but in my mind I felt less than enthusiastic. I thought of my psychologist as they were speaking saying don’t undermine or underrate the importance of these things the improvement, but what I feel I feel is the usual …well I had to do it, I should do it, its easy enough for everyone else what’s wrong with me, and no not an ounce of accepting their accolades came in.
I did not want any one on one time, and I did not want to talk to anyone, A guy in the group who I get on quite well with was leaving and he was interesting in chatting etc and I was not. He kept putting words in my mouth like you are really uncomfortable today, yes I said, you seem unwell, yes I said, can I do anything for you, no I said. At the end of the day and we said we would love to keep in touch and I said yes that would be nice. We swapped numbers and agreed to be in tough within the week. That was a nice moment, I sort of felt even in spite of all the crap I say and all the assistance I need, and that we are both here at DBT he still wanted to pursue a friendship. My confidence feels so down at the moment and what is it he gets from me, why does he like me, why didn’t he ask the others? I don’t think I am of any value just now.
Anyway DBT continued and my migraine continued and I got some pain relief from the nursing staff which dulled but did not abate it.
As I have being dong for a while now I went to bed pretty early and tried to calm my thoughts enough to sleep. They are dulled a little with medication but it takes some time. The things running through my mind are around this loss of anger, this loss of control or energy or assertiveness. It’s like I am getting stripped bare (figuratively speaking).
I am trying to work out what it is I am feeling and thinking. In regards to feeling it’s a bit of sadness (because there is just another thing tearing at my body and at my energy), shame (because I am feeling depressed and not like doing anything)
My sister rang last night and asked me how I was, I said I was OK….Yeh I know….but I added that this ear thing was giving me grief…and that’s as far as it went.
Hubby rang just a while ago and asked me if I was OK because I seemed a little depressed… I said I was bothered by not knowing about the ear thing, like if this is going to be the way things are then I had better get used to it, or if there was more intervention then bring it on and get it done! It’s hard being in the moment when the moment is always annoying. He asked me if there was anything he could do to make me feel better (and my thinking was a bullet in the head would fix everything) I didn’t say that, I told him I was going along OK, again think this is crap.
My head is all over the place as to what I should say and do, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and disappear but I will as usual get on with what is required of me what is needed of me.
The psychologist wants to go back to seeing me on a weekly basis, I sort of think it is the better thing to do, but will that break me out of this cycle of a really depressed mood, don’t know, will it give me more to think about, Yeh probably, will I use that thinking constructively or beat my self up over the things I don’t say? It’s a no win.
I thought about going away on my own for a while, yes when I am distressed this is what I do, I run away, but it’s so hard to do that now. I thought of going back into hospital but that would not do it for me either, there is still communication and effort required.
I don’t quite know what it is, its despair, and again this loneliness, I have people around me but I am alone, I have tried to communicate but I cant, it is sort of a distress when people are asking me stuff . Perhaps I should ring the DBT helpline, but I don’t know if those skills help at all when I am down like this. I wish I could just be angry about being flat/depressed. I recall writing to my psychologist a while ago, last year before going to hospital, about a similar mood adjustment but I was very angry, angry with her (and now I don’t get how I can ever think it has anything to do with her) angry at Pdoc (ditto, its not his fault) angry with Hubby because he didn’t understand, of course he understands but he cant be a mind reader and know what’s in my head if I don’t tell him. I miss my anger very much, and not having it makes me sad.
And now I am writing this because …well….I need to say what is happening….will it bring me relief or insight? Don’t know hasn’t yet. Best go and do stuff that I am required to do,