being lost..being me
A page in the diary ""
Written by itsonlyme 5. May 2007 01:25 AM
The last couple of day's have been an blur. a speckle of mundane regimented existence. Tomorrow I am having the op to terminate my preganancy. I feel so strange inside myself. I have been really agitated and depressed.
I have been moving my furniture around like some sort of posessed person. I feel like running away. I have a new job that is supposed to be a dream job but it's not a dream to me. I just wish I was in another place. My friends have been supportive and helpful but I still feel alone. No matter how much I tell myself I am fine, breath now just breath. It doesnt work. I can literally feel my world turning into a small box that wont let up. No way out, no relief. The nightmares have begun again. More vivid and frightening than ever..that is when I finally get some sleep.I think sometimes I am being selfish..I should be grateful for my life..should be happy and the life of the party..ha.. I can't do it. What the hell is wrong with me??? I want to shave my head and become a total hermit I can't stand society..I dislike everything and people make me want to scream...I am so dark on everything. Everything looks good on the outside..yeh sure but on the inside it's all fallen apart.