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The cracks are beginning to show again..FRAGILE!HANDLE WITH CARE

A page in the diary ".a pLc 4 miE haed..."
Written by JoanneC84 18. May 2008 03:06 AM

I've been sitting here under my blankie staring at this blank screen for the past half hour...wondering what to write,feeling the need to write..but not knowing what to write..

Just when things seem to be going to 'plan',you step back and notice that they have completely gone off track and got lost somewhere in the darkness..As Belladonna has said 'life is what happens when you are busy making plans'..... Have I put so much time and effort into "getting better" that I haven't allowed myself the time to actually process everything that has been going on in my life..?? Because of this,have I let myself slip backwards?

I haven't relapsed as such but seem to be stuck in downward spiral and it scares me.I don't want to go back to the way I 'was',to the 'old me'...I was actually beginning to like myself and for me to say that in itself is a big thing,let alone feel it...

I know that I overanalyse things too much,but I just can't help it.Its how I've always been,even as a child.
I often wonder if I would be in the mindframe that I am in if I just stopped thinking so much..But I know that that is never going to happen..Its almost 1am and the brain is working over time..Didn't take an endep tonight,had a few drinks with dinner so didn't think it would be wise..and look at me:wide-eyed at 1am despite struggling to stay away earlier at 9pm.

Sometimes I just wish the tape in my head would stop..If I could just press pause or mute or that the tape would run out and I would be free
I just need it to stop before it drives me insane..

Today I was at the shops which I've been dealing with well...I was fine whilst I was with Belladonna having coffee,but once we went our separate ways,I really started to freak out..I hate people looking at me and because I'm using crutches still and have a rather unattractive and ridiculous looking boot thing on my foot,people find it necessary to stare...The thoughts started,the head started spinning,the hands began to shake.. I just wanted to yell at them all to stop looking at me,but figured that I already looked weird enough,that I didn't need to act all psycho cos it would only bring more attention..By the time I got to the car,my chest was aching,breathing really rapidly and my heart almost jumping out my chest..I just want it to stop,I want to be able to go out of the house without going nuts,to be able to go shopping without the need to run and hide,to be able to live without walking on egg shells,without crying at the drop of a hat..

I just need it to stop...I need to stop feeling so down.To stop feeling so numb and flat..To stop feeling like I'm going to breakdown in tears every minute...I just need to feel something other than what I am..

Belladonna,spending time with you as I have a few times over the past week makes me so happy and it gives me great joy to see you laugh and smile..I wish every minute of the day would be the same as the time I spend with you..
Mumma bear,well what can I say...In 14 days time,I will be sitting up there in Far North Queensland with you and knowing that is keeping me afloat..You are my rock!You are my Angel..
Tinkerbell,having you in my life is something so special..Your friendship means the world to me as does your support..Having you by my side is the greatest honour and I'm so thankful to have you as my friend..

Take care deppies,I think I have blabbed on enough..You can tell I've had a few drinks as this is all over the place..

Bye,
Jo xo

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Comments from the community:

JO,

Love you girl. You need to stop worrying about what other people think and just concentrate on you. Yiou need to toughen up on the inside. My daughter was the same as you and yes, she did toughen up with time. Just ignore the stares, you are a beautiful young lady, despite the boot that is helping your foot.
I know Lynne is proud of having you as part of her life as I am of having Dove and Hunni. Im proud just to be able to call you a friend. Great to hear that you are having such a nice time with Bella too. We all need time out.
Remember that you are loved by a lot of people.
Love Lesley xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Written by lesleyk, 18. May 2008 10:36 AM

Dear Jo,
You are such a beautiful person...both inside & out and I am so proud to be one of your friends.
Please try not to stress out about what people think...some day I need to use my mums walking stick to get around...I know people stare...but you are young & gorgeous. Panic attacks suck big time...being amongst crowds sucks also...I know the feeling well.
Just know we love & care about you...& keep looking forward to your lovely holiday...not long now & you will be in the lovely warm climate of Queensland.
Thank you for your birthday wishes for yesterday.
With Much Love,
Nanna Val x0x

Written by Deleted_User, 18. May 2008 12:26 PM

hello sweet girl Joanne, sorry to hear you didnt sleep well but i guess sometimes a girl has to have a drink sometimes I miss my meds to if i have few drinks not sure if its the right thing to do im sure the pyschy would tell us dont drink at all Anyway i hope your not slipping back i undersand how you over analise as i do and think most deppies do it. It all goes hand in hand just take a day at the time .Dont worry about tomorrow till it comes well to a certain degree that is you can't plan a big event in a day i wish you could.Joanne thank you for 3 wonderful outings I always look forward to seeing and you have brightened my life you are an inspiration and a joy to be around. Take care hope to catch up soon.regards belladonna xox

Written by belladonna64, 18. May 2008 01:24 PM

Jo

Good on you for getting out with Bella. Can understand the panic/anxiety attacks but remember people are probably in their own worlds and not really looking at you. Talk to your psychiatrist if you have an appointment before coming to Qld, so you will know how to cope with staying with chook and her family and how they can cope with your panic/anxiety attacks. You need to get that head thinking positive things especially as you are on an adventure to chook's place.

Go Jo!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 18. May 2008 05:23 PM

Bubba Bear,
Not good that you are not feeling the best atm. I wish I could do something to take your pain and sadness away. I will do my very best to be with you to support you and together we will beat it.
Glad to hear that you and Bella had a lovely morning. Don't worry about what people do in the shops, they are the ones with the problem.
I can't wait till you come for your visit. We are going to have so much fun.
Together we will turn our frowns upside down.
Love you so so much
Mumma Bear

Written by chookie67, 18. May 2008 07:17 PM

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