To find yourself,just look inside the wreckage of your past
A page in the diary ".a pLc 4 miE haed..."
Written by JoanneC84 13. May 2008 08:47 PM
It has been 5 months since I've last written on here but I've still been around on depchat and reading entries.. I used to write in here almost every day but for some reason just needed a break..It doesn't mean I've been ok nor does it mean that I haven't.
I have been re-reading my old entries lately,hence the title of this entry.. Although we are constantly told not to reflect too much on the past or to live in the past,I feel that by reading my old entries it has helped me realise how far I have really come.And as they say,it is the events of our past that make us who we are today.
It is now 10 months since I last self harmed
That is a major achievement for me because before that,I couldn't even go 10 days without doing it...Lately I have felt that I had taken a major step backwards but then having read those entries,I realised that I was just having a bad few days and that I could overcome it despite my thoughts telling me otherwise..
Don't get me wrong,I still feel worthless at times and so very down,I cry at the drop of a hat but I'm ok... I have found some great support through some truly amazing and inspirational friends..
As you many of you may have read,in 19 days,I'll be going up to Far North Queensland to stay with Chookie(Lynne)and her family for 2 weeks..Lynne has been my lifeline,my rock,my strength and the reason I'm still here...I honestly don't know what I would've done lately without her by my side and I can't wait til I can run (well actually hop) up to her at the airport and give her the biggest hug!!Mumma bear,I love you so much!!!
Last saturday I had the opportunity to meet another wonderful and inspirational lady and I had the pleasure of seeing her again today..Belladonna,you don't know how strong and how amazing you really are...I will remind you again and again til you get sick of hearing me!! I'm so lucky to have found you and so thankful for your company,laughs and smiles...I love you lots too!!!
As I mentioned above,I have been struggling abit lately..Its been exhausting trying to fight the strong self harm urges,the temptation to give in and let it win has been so hard but I have fought them with Lynne's strength and support...I owe you my life Mumma bear! I started the endep last night and I hope it helps..My doctor suggested it late last year but I never went onto it..I have also been advised by my psychologist,who I had a one off session with last week, to increase my Efexor dosage,still have to see my GP about that.. I also have to organise to start up with another psychologist as the one I have been seeing will no longer be working for the service I have been using.. So I will see where that leads me..
Anyways,there is so much I could've written in here as heaps has happened over the past few months but I feel that I should stop here.I will try to write on here much more often.
Take care my dear deppie friends,
Jo xo
For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is only a vision;
But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness,
And every tomorrow a vision of hope..