..Stand clear, doors closing..
A page in the diary ".a pLc 4 miE haed..."
Written by JoanneC84 30. Aug 2007 08:06 PM
My skin felt clammy,a cold sweat dripping off my forehead, my legs began to shake... Stand clear....Doors closing.. echoing through my head..
I hate trains,if I could avoid them I would. The whole idea of being in an enclosed space with a bunch of strangers just doesn't appeal to me.Breathing in recycled air, not being able to be free in my own space just freaks me out..
I had to go on a train into the city(Sydney) today into Martin Place for uni.. An hour on the train,there and back..2 hours in hell if you ask me!! If there was more parking in the city,I would've driven in..I know that avoiding situations doesn't help overcome them,but seriously,I can't friggin stand it.
My head felt heavy, my eyelids were as heavy as lead. I would've preferred to have been anywhere but there.. the things we do cos we bloody have to!!
I've been having some really weird thoughts lately...Driving along the road I've really begun to notice that there are so many trees,telegraph poles etc covered in flowers or barring a cross,someones name or photos.. I often wonder if I was to go like that,would my tree be covered in flowers or such,or just be marked with the scars on the bark.. Would people bother? I know people would argue that these thoughts are ludicrous,not healthy, do you think I don't know that? I just can't stop thinking about it!!
People don't notice me here whilst I'm alive, am I fooling myself in thinking that they'd care enough when I'm gone to memorialise it?
Food for thought
Jo xo
I should add that I have spoken about this at length with a close friend of mine,my best friend in fact..She said stuff that made me realise that as much as I think about it in that way,people would bother,they'd notice-even if its just her,but to me thats more than enough..It has given me a whole new meaning to life,a reason to keep fighting..and no amount of words can ever express my thanks..