..If you look in the mirror and don't like what u see..
A page in the diary ".a pLc 4 miE haed..."
Written by JoanneC84 13. Jul 2007 11:46 PM
..you can find out first hand what its like to be me..
Words can't describe how I'm feeling right now..The last week or so has been weird...Wednesday night I had another dissosciation episode..the first since january..still very scary..don't remember a great deal about it,but still very scary..
I went to my psychologist session on thursday morning,very tired and still rather upset about the night before..We continued a discussion about things that I hold as my core beliefs-the reasons behind my depression..It was just so hard,I just told him that I didn't want to do it anymore and sat back in my chair crying.. I didn't know what I was thinking,my head was so empty yet things were racing through so fast..
I told him that I didn't think the stuff we were talking about was relevant or helping me in any way..Then pointed out that I may as well go home cos we clearly weren't getting anywhere cos I wasn't being all that co-operative.. He told me to stay and talk about what was going on,I didn't want to talk cos I didn't understand.. He didn't want to make me anymore distressd than I already was.He was afraid that if he let me leave in the state that I was in,I would self harm or worse..I told him that I wasn't going to do that,I just need to go and cry cos I don't like crying in front of people..
So I just made it to the car when I burst into tears.. sat in the carpark for abit,then drove over to the cemetry,Brought my usual bunches of flowers (mine and Grandmas favourite colours) and went and sat with Grandma and Grandfather for about an hr... Cried,no sobbed uncontrollably.. So lucky no one was around.. I managed to get myself together and got in the car and drove to work....It was the slowest 4hrs of my life that afternoon..I was in such a daze,I'm surprised I didn't make any stuff ups..Only cried once throughout the afternoon...
Got home from work and went straight to my room-whats new there.. Laid down on my bed and had a cry but then the mask had to go back up while I went to a meeting for Guides..
Came home from the meeting and my twin pea Stace was here for me.. (we're 2 peas in a pod) I just broke down in tears and she kept me together,made me see sense and kicked my ass when it needed kicking..Goobs,I love ya to bits and wouldn't trade you for anything... (unless he was tall,dark and handsome..no seriously,I wouldn't)
I decided not to take my meds last night..I think they are the reason behind my downfall,that and the fact that all the emotions I have kept hidden for so long are coming to surface;all the truths that I have kept locked away are coming alive.. I have been comfort eating,become an angry person,been on edge constantly and been self harming more frequently,not to mention my dependence on pain killers again...
Today went by in a daze.. Was there but not really..Work was such a challenge,an 8hr shift today..Its so hard putting up enough strength to make it through the day..One of the supervisors goes 'gee Jo,you reckon you could smile?'.. I said 'sorry but until I have something that will make me smile a real smile,you can deal with this.. its not hurting you.if you don't like it,don't look..' She shut up and gave up probbing me for answers...
I hate people simplifying things but saying 'its gunna be ok' or 'smile..'.. cos seriously,smiling isn't all its jacked up to be,and saying your gunna be ok and actually being ok is a different story..
Jo xoxo