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..The journey from here..

A page in the diary ".a pLc 4 miE haed..."
Written by JoanneC84 5. Jul 2007 04:40 PM

My journey from here on is still one of unknown.I still often wonder if I'm capable of anything other than this-feeling down and hating myself. Alot of my feelings and emotions have now come to surface,with group therapy and with my psych sessions.
All I know is that I want to feel better about myself but until my self esteem strengthens,I know that I will remain like this.I feel my lack of self esteem is playing greatly on my anxiety and depression and until I can improve it,things won't get any better.
At times I still feel like I can't do this,I can't possibly beat the darkness and the demons that have haunted me for so long,but knowing that better things are possoble,perhaps I may move forward.
The path on this journey has been really dark in parts but I'd like to believe that the next path that I find will be full of light,hope and happiness.
I'm afraid of that unknown, but feel that perhaps I have the strength inside to do it. Now that I have given myself a chance to let out my feelings and recognise my issues,which I have let surface instead of hiding them away as I have for so long.Perhaps knowing all this,it will take me on a different journey than the one that I had thought up a few months ago.
Perhaps my studies will improve;perhaps I can rach that high distinction again;perhaps I will let the mask down once and for all; or perhaps I might fall..
But I think that I am willing to give it a go.
At the end of every storm,there is a rainbow which brightens the sky and brings smiles to faces. The rainbow is colourful and a symbol of a new beginning - for me,it will symbolise the new beginning of my feelings...
I am comfortable inside my shell,no one can hear me scream and yell.. For every time I let the wall slip away,the inner true me is hurt and wants to hide away..

How I long for that rainbow to shine!!!
Jo xo

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Comments from the community:

Jo

The rainbow will shine again. It just takes time, meds, patience, determination. You are going through a rough spot but the rainbow will come out and things will improve for you. Remember baby steps. Don't expect it to happen at once.

Go Jo!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 5. Jul 2007 05:46 PM

Hi Jo

If you fall I will help you get up again.

Be kind to yourself

Jenny

Written by Deleted_User, 5. Jul 2007 06:20 PM

Hi Joanne

I know EXACTLY how you feel. What I'm about to tell you may seem daunting but I encourage you to read to the end.

Three years ago, when my depression and Anxiety disorders were at their worst, I could not face the world, literally! I did not leave my house for more than a year, LITERALLY!!! At the time I could not imagine what a normal life would be like and the thought of recovering to the point of living a 'normal' life seemed, no, was impossible.

That's when a psychologist got her claws into me. On a weekly basis she would give me the most idiotic tasks to perform; walk to your front gate once a day. The next week she would tell me to stand at the gate for 5 minutes. The following week 10 minutes. Then she would get me to go for a short walk etc. This madness continued for six months. I'll never forget the appointment; she had asked me to return an item I had purchased the week before without giving any explanation. I half snapped and told her that while this may be amusing for her to get me to do all these irrelevant and pointless tasks for six months, she was supposed to be helping me overcome my fears. You know what she did then? She giggled!!! I have, don't and never will hit a woman, but I came VERY close that day. She handed me a piece of paper. It was the piece of paper on which I had written down my feelings the very first time I had gone to see her.

You see, without me realizing it, she had taken me from a point of utter despair, no self esteem, never leaving my house, to a point where I was out in public all the time, interacting with strangers and not giving it a second thought.

My point is this: it may seem like an impossible journey to get from where you are now to where you want to be. But if you take it one step at a time, one day at a time, and reward yourself mentally for achieving the smallest thing instead of beating yourself up for not being where you ultimately want to be, you will reach your destination. It's a road filled with potholes and speed bumps that you cannot avoid. Not being too harsh on yourself for not being perfect and patting yourself on the back for accomplishing the smallest of things will get you there.

Baby steps Jo, baby steps. (rent 'What about Bob' if you haven't seen it)

Here's to you and all the great things that await you in life!

Joshua

Written by Deleted_User, 5. Jul 2007 06:27 PM

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