..I don't feel like I deserve the sunshines rays..
A page in the diary ".a pLc 4 miE haed..."
Written by JoanneC84 27. Jun 2007 06:00 PM
As I sit here in the arm chair,my usual spot,heater on beside me,my blankie up to my chin,the wind bashing the trees against the window,I have had time to think about alot of things..
I didn't go into work today,not well..Throat and ear infection and my chest is almost on the way to being infected too..Let's tackle it while its still young,said my GP.. both her and I are afraid that if the infections get worse,we could have a repeat of last year-me having a major asthma attack and almost flat linning due to it.. So I'm supposed to be in bed resting today and taking time out,but the more I lay there and do nothing,the more I think and tend to over analyse stuff.
I feel really flat and blergh and all I want to do is curl up and sleep,I have the perfect opportunity to do that,but I can't..I kept tossing and turning and crying.. I don't know what is wrong with me.Its been 2 weeks now since I started the Avanza,its not side effects from that-I've been lucky not to have any or very few.
I'm going through alot of dark stuff with my psychologist at the moment-getting to the core beliefs etc.. Its making me think alot and analyse my every move.. I look around me and see emptiness and I can only blame myself.. Is there something I should've done to make things differently?Is there something I missed?Am I really that bad a person that I don't deserve to have friends and feel needed? I'm not wanted at home,why would I be wanted anywhere else?If I can't like me and accept me for all my flaws,why would I expect anyone else to accept me..?
I look down at my arms,my stomach,my thighs and every other part of my numb body that has ever felt the piercing of a blade,and think why?Why did I do it? Why did I stop?what is it in me that hates myself so much to harm myself?Yet,what is it in me that realises that I don't want that enough to make me stop??
Why do I bother sometimes,I don't really know...
Where do I belong?
Why do I deserve to live?
Jo xo