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'Aperiatur terra et germinat salvatorem

A page in the diary ".a pLc 4 miE haed..."
Written by JoanneC84 12. Jun 2007 10:10 PM

Rorate caeli desuper,et pluant iustum..'
(Let the earth be opened,bring forth a saviour..drop down dew,ye heavens,from above & let the clouds rain justice..)

I'm so sick of it all.Sick of the yoyo-ing,sick of feeling like crap.I just want it to be ok,want all the pain and hurt to leave me.
At the moment my head is pounding,the voices are screaming,they want to escape...I want to escape,there has to be more than this,I know there is but I just don't believe it that much anymore.
My head is echoing,all sounds are 10 x louder than they already are;my eyes want to close,they are so sensitive to the light..I want to be shut out from the world,I want to be shut out from my life..My hands are shaking..I want to sleep,I want to be free from the thoughts.Its taking all the energy in me to get through this,I don't have much energy left.I don't want to do it anymore,but I don't want to give up-I want to cry but I have no more tears..I want to scream but I don't want to be heard but I want to get away..Why can't things be easier?Why can't I just let things go?
Today was a real test;tomorrow even bigger-a test on my emotions and my physical self. Its Grandmas birthday-just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes.I still don't understand why she was the one to go when it was me that wanted to die..Its just not fair,nothing ever is..RIP Grandma,may you live forever in God's presence,I'll be by your side one day..
(that was written during my lunch break at work,not more than 10mins later,I was having another weird attack of headaches,headspins and the rest-not good..Broke down in the bathroom,my supervisor sitting beside me,holding me as I sobbed and was shaking uncontrollably..)

My veins itch-screaming freedom...
My head pounds-yelling defeat...
My heart aches-shouting unjustice...
My boddy sleeps-whispering 'the end'...
My world collapses-screaming weakness...

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Comments from the community:

Jo

Baby steps my friend. Baby steps. You will get through the meds change. As for grandma, lots of thoughts and suggestions were made about doing something that she would have done with you/liked doing. I still think this is a good idea of you are up to it. Be strong tomorrow hun as it is going to be a hard road for the day but I know you will get through it because you are a determined woman as you showed on the weekend. If you are not feeling able to cope with tomorrow, is there someone you can be with to get you through this time.

Take care Jo and be strong.

Go Jo!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 12. Jun 2007 10:17 PM

Jo hun,

I know how hard this is for you. But it is going to be ok. Your grandma died, but she lived her life Jo. She had her kids, and grandkids, and she lived with you all, and she lives on, in you too.

Ask yourself how she would feel if she knew all you wanted to do was die. Think about what she would say to you. Honestly. I know you miss her hun, and I feel for you terribly. But your life has to go on. You have to move forward. She will always be a part of you, you'll never forget her. She would want you to have a happy life hun.

You are heard, whether you want to or not. We all hear you Jo, we're all here. I hear your pain even through a text message. It kills me that your going through so much pain at the moment, but you know I will do anything in my power to help you through this.

Today was a huge test for you - tomorrow too. But hun, you are here. And tomorrow you will be too. I believe in you soo much. I know you can and will get through this. You are a fighter, and you will not allow this shit to beat you.

I know you've heard all my ramblings before, but I swear to god, I will kick your bloody arse if you don't get it through your head!

Get through tomorrow as best you can. That's all you can ask of yourself. That's all I will ever ask of you. Just get through each day. Please.

Love Stace xxx

Written by Deleted_User, 12. Jun 2007 10:34 PM

(((JO))) today may seem like a lifetime to get through.But you will get through it,Just know that you would make your grandmother so proud of you,the emotions your are feeling right now dont fight them, it is all part of the grieving process.You have had so one so special in your life and now that person is no longer here.My grandaughter spend time each Sunday night together talking to the stars, she is only 5 but by her telling her poppie of what her week has been like helps her in her grieving process.Have you ever thought of talking to a grief councellor some times that helps. My thoughts are with you today TAKE CARE.

Written by Deleted_User, 13. Jun 2007 02:32 AM

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