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Why do I continue with this?I can't find a reason..

A page in the diary ".a pLc 4 miE haed..."
Written by JoanneC84 10. Apr 2007 03:14 AM

I have given up on fighting it..
I have no energy left to beat it.
My head is spinning.

My thoughts are dark.
They tell me that I am weak.
They say that I can not beat this..
They spin faster and faster.
They tell me that I am worthless.

I am struggling at the moment.I have been for the past few weeks..I've sat here and stared at this blank diary page wanting to write,but not knowing where to begin.

I have been a memeber here at DepNet for almost 12 months..The rollercoaster ride that I have been on in that time has been exhausting..And I seriously question,am I any better now to what I was then?

My recovery has taken a major step backwards..Yes,I suppose that meant that I had orginally stepped forward to go backwards,but no,not in this case..I am feeling and thinking things that I haven't felt or thought in a long time..

I hate that I can't handle this.I hate what I have become..I hate that I can't get anything right..I hate that despite intense therapy,I'm still just as screwed up as I ever was..I hate that I can't write a positive entry...I hate me!!I hate the word hate!!

I just want to curl up in a ball or to be swallowed up by the darkness,taken whole and never returned..I want to hurt myself so much..But at the same time,I don't want to travel that path again..
I am hurting enough mentally,that I don't need that physical torture anymore..I don't want to hurt myself..I just need to escape from myself...I need to get away...

Jo

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Comments from the community:

Hey Jojo

You're a bright lady - you've got what it takes - I firmly believe that. I believe you'll move through this. I believe in you.

You have the skills to rationalise your thoughts. Use them. You need to do this JoJo. You need to do this for yourself Jojo. Life is wonderful once you beat this shit.

You also need to do this for me!! I'm counting on you being strong and being a part of the Great Recovery Run!!

So - come on gal - or I'll have to charge over there with my stock whip and set Bluey my cattle dog on you!! Then you'll be running for your freedom!!

Love and hugs

Kimberly
xoxo

Written by Deleted_User, 10. Apr 2007 03:23 AM

Jo

Speak to your special friend Stace and I am sure she will help you see the positivies and not the negatives. Also go and see your gp/psychiatrist if things are that bad for a chat/med review. You know what you need to do so please go and do the right thing so nothing happens to you.

Go Jo!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 10. Apr 2007 08:47 PM

Hey Jo,

Just catching up on missed stuff and wanted to tell you that you have no earthly reason to hate you....

Yes this illness is a struggle and it will continue to be something that you fight with on a daily basis.. but it will be a fight worth winning... There will be days when it is 'all good' and when those days wander off you have to remember them, remember what was good about them, and bring that ray of sunshine and warmth back.

You have a great support network sweetheart use it and let others who want to help you do so.

You have been a strength for me and i know also Stace.. i may not tell you how much you are appreciated but you are.

You are going to do fine Jo hang in there. You know what you have to do so lets get to it ok.

Love Michelle.

Written by mickey2, 22. Apr 2007 02:26 PM

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