..All things must come to an end..
A page in the diary ".a pLc 4 miE haed..."
Written by JoanneC84 26. Mar 2007 01:44 AM
I want to write.
I want to get it all out.
I want to scream.
I want to cry.
I want to bleed.
I want to sleep.
I want to be ok..
Perhaps I'm asking for too much..I just don't know what is going on with me anymore..For those who have read my previous entries,I had surgery almost 5 weeks ago.Now this was supposed to make me feel better,guess what-in true Joanne style,I have been worse..Had an internal infection,rush to emergency due to pain and excessive bleeding..Then on top of that my digestive system started shutting down,as a result,my intestines and bowels failed on me,causing me to 'block up' and be in even more pain..When is something going to go my way?? Just once please..I'm sick of living on painkillers-I'm so used to taking them now that they aren't even numbing the pain...
My head is playing games with me..One moment I'm ok,the next almost suicidal and wanting to retreat back into the shadows and to lock myself away from the world..
Spending 4 days with Stace and Natasha was great,not only for Stace's sake,but for mine too..I needed to get away,from this environment,from home,from work...I needed to be there for them cos they mean so much to me..And I loved having Stace there with me,cos I didn't feel so alone,I felt understood and I could be me..No need to hide behind a mask,no need to act and pretend...thanks Stace for not judging me and for being the bestest friend ever!!
Suddenly,all my emotions have hit me straight in the face..Do I fear returning to work tomorrow after a week off??Does everyone there think I've gone crazy??Will I be able to put up the mask long enough so that they think I'm ok?? Why should I?? I don't know....
Where am I headed?
Will I be able to step into the light?
Will I be bound by the shackles of darkness forever?
Will I ever find the answers I so strongly desire?
Jo xoxo