Consumed by the darkness,I can't fight it anymore..Sorry..
A page in the diary ".a pLc 4 miE haed..."
Written by JoanneC84 13. Mar 2007 12:16 AM
I hate being me.
I hate what I have become.
I hate the thoughts that consume my head..
I hate that I can't fight the darkness.
I have failed you all.You all believed that I was strong and determined and able to fight this..Instead,I am weak,struggling and giving up..
I don't know why this is happening to me..Nothing major is going on..Is this just the delayed meltdown? Is this what was meant to happen months ago,but is happening now?I don't think I can handle it..
I don't belong anywhere.I think about my life and those 'loved' ones around me..No one understands me..well ofcourse not,I hear you say..They don't know the real me..Why? Because I'm too afraid..They don't understand the 'fake' me or like me for who they see now,what makes me really think that they would like the real me,the me with the mask..??My Mum asks me each weekend why I'm not out with friends.I normally make up some excuse like I'm tired or something,but honestly,its because I don't have any friends..The closest friend I have is Stace and she lives one hour away..
I must be crazy to think I can fight this..This darkness has consumed me for so so long..This episode 12 months alone.. People keep saying that I will make it some day..When is some day? Is it between Sunday and Monday? Kinda like Platform 9 and 3/4 in Harry Potter which is between platforms 9 and 10..
When does this tunnel end?Surely there can't be too much left of it..The rainbow awaits me at the other end,but I fear that once I make it there,the rainbow will be gone and a small step away,yet another dark long tunnel is there for me to enter..
My torch light is getting dim..The batteries are slowly dying..My air is becoming stale,my chest becoming tight..I sit alone in this darkness and wonder,will I ever find the light?Will I ever see the colours of the rainbow?
I know that I have support from the wonderful friends I have made through here-especially Stace,Leah and Michelle-you three are my Angels.. I feel like I have failed you because I am not as strong as you thought I was and I'm not the person I'd like to be..When I eventually make it to to the light,I hope I can become a better person and live up to any expectations that you may or may not have set for me..I wouldn't be still fighting this if it wasn't for you 3,so from the bottom of my heart --I love you guys so much..And I hope you 3 will be waiting in the light for me,and we can enjoy the colours of the rainbow together,because I wouldn't want to be sharing it with anyone else but you guys..
Jo xoxox