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Dark thoughts have taken refuge in my head...Argh!!

A page in the diary ".a pLc 4 miE haed..."
Written by JoanneC84 30. Sep 2008 09:30 PM

It has been 9 days now since I gave into 'it'..And where has my head been ever since??Who knows...As frightening as it may seem, I've had the same urges to give in every single day ever since..I struggle to get through each day and by night time,I start to spiral and even plummet deep into the darkness..

My head has been all over the place-stuck between right and wrong;between fighting on and giving in.
I look at my scars;the tears in the canvas;feeling guilt,anger,frustration but oddly enough a sense of relief. I don't want to slide back into the habit again.I know I really shouldn't but a part of me really wants to..Why??
I don't know.I hate these damn thoughts.I hate the constant battle within my head. I hate the exhaustion that I feel by days end..Yes I'm listing again and I could go on forever...

I know I don't want to live like this so why do I find it so hard to breaky myself out of this cycle??

Why am I so weak to want to give into something that I know won't help??

Life is full of unknowns..

Jo...

P.S...Despite all the crap,I have something to look forward too..Another trip to see Mumma bear (aka Chookie67 or Lynne) is being planned for the end of december so that I'm up there to welcome in the new year with her and the family..I can't wait..I also very much look forward to catching up with Belladonna when I can...It really makes my day when I get to spend time with her..She's such a great friend and great person...

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Comments from the community:

Huggles .With the upcoming sales on the airlines I hope you get to plan a great trip Tc

Written by grannie, 30. Sep 2008 11:29 PM

Huggles .With the upcoming sales on the airlines I hope you get to plan a great trip Tc

Written by grannie, 30. Sep 2008 11:32 PM

Jo

Be strong. You stuck so long to not do it and I know how hard it is not to do it but you went all that time not doing it so it can be stopped and your record recommenced as to how long you go without doing it.

Hey, good on you for going to Queensland again. Take lots of cool clothes. December is hot and it is hot where chook is.

Go Jo!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 30. Sep 2008 11:51 PM

Jo
Can you talk with your Psych about this, there are lots of varied ways Professionals can teach us to break a cycle. I greatly admire you for your abstinence period, but ticking days off a calendar won't usually bring long term relief from this sort of habit. There has to be reward systems, an understanding and reminding of why you wanted to stop in the beginning, replacement with other coping strategies, there are all sorts of resources to assist in this process. I would not talk next time about your depression or other issues, I would actually describe what you have been doing to help yourself, tell them you have lapsed and ask then to please help you. You have done it the hard way, sheer willpower ( which is actually won't power)
please get assistance so you can succeed and are supported in that. It is your comfort zone, a part of your identity which is why you are describing the temptation to just go back there and stay there. This is a normal enough emotion so please don't beat yourself up about those particular very confusing but understandable feelings. Hope you feel better soon.

Written by purple, 1. Oct 2008 06:02 PM

Hi Jo,
You are such a loving person, please be strong for yourself & all of us...we love you dearly.
We should be able to chat on msn once I get a new nickname. We had untold trouble getting our new Internet Provider hooked up...took 2 days...but all is going well tonight.
Will e-mail you with my new name, will get one tonight then try 'facebook' wish me luck.
Please take care of yourself.
Another trip to Queensland is something for you to look forward to.
((((hugs)))) x0x

Written by NannaVal, 1. Oct 2008 11:44 PM

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