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A smile is so hard to wear-Opening up the old scars,12 months on

A page in the diary ".a pLc 4 miE haed..."
Written by JoanneC84 4. Jul 2008 06:00 PM

I thought I'd share these song lyrics with you first before I ramble on ...

"Breaking The Habit" - Linkin Park

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I dont want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

The lyrics to this song reflect my journey with self harm really well..It has always been a constant battle with my thoughts and my actions-to fight or not to fight...The last 12 months have been no exception although amazingly I have managed to fight urges,no matter how strong, to not give in and tear the canvas.

Where to from here?I wouldn't know cos I don't know where I'm at now..I haven't been sleeping well cos of the pain with my ankle-I had the cortisone injection on tuesday and haven't had ANY relief at all-if anything,its been worse.I've told the physio and the dr-just ride it out they say...
I know the pain and lack of sleep is dragging me down..I'm spiralling fast -at a rapid rate..Trying to hold on,to get back on solid ground...

In 2 days time, I have met my target,my goal...

The question I must now ask myself is, can I continue to fight it?

Jo xo

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Comments from the community:

Jo

Those lyrics hint to me to give up your wonderful achievement of not harming for 12 months. Please keep achieving this goal as it is wonderful and you have set your mind to something and achieved it. As for the ankle, think you have to trust the dr and psyhio. Perhaps you could try a chiropractor.

Go Jo!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 4. Jul 2008 06:03 PM

Dear Jo,
you ramble - nah never lol
I know how much those words relate to your journey over the past 12 months. You have struggled so much to get through and my girl you have done it - There are alot of us on here that are so very proud of what you have accomplished. When you are struggling, you do not give in and I know that takes alot of willpower and strenght not to.
I really hope that your ankle gives you a little relieft soon as that is wearing you out so much mentally and physically.
We are going to have a cyber celebration on Sunday - It is a huge day and one that I am very proud to be a part of.
You will battle through this hon, I know you will, and no matter what happens in the future, Pop and I are right beside you every step of the way - good times and bad. No sugar coating remember.
Love you long time
MB xoxoxo

Written by chookie67, 4. Jul 2008 10:19 PM

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