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I don't want to die,but I'm not keen on living either

A page in the diary ".a pLc 4 miE haed..."
Written by JoanneC84 23. Jun 2008 12:33 PM

The past week has been extremly exhausting-both mentally and physically..

Last sunday 15th June,I returned from my trip to Chookie67's (my wonderful mumma bear)and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.Giving Lynne one last big hug with my tears falling on her shoulders as I then had to rip myself away from her to board my plane was so difficult.I know that I will get to see her again,now its been done-she won't be able to get rid of me..But knowing that I was leaving a place where I felt loved,accepted and felt like I belonged to come home to a house (not a home) tore my heart..

I was not looking forward to returning home other than knowing I could catch up with Belladonna..and the past 7 days have only reminded me why I am so unhappy being home..

The family have been driving me to the edge-maybe its me..I don't know..Maybe I'm at fault,maybe I deserve it..And to be told by my own mother,not once,but TWICE that she didn't miss me whilst I was gone,only rubbed salt into the wounds...

Just feel like I am constantly fighting my head and the bad thoughts..I am only one week from making it 12 months without self harming and the urges are stronger than ever..Is it cos I'm getting closer to that anniversary? Or is it cos I'm just not coping as well as I should be?

My two weeks with Lynne were the most amazing days of my life and I wish that didn't have to end but then it also gives me something to look forward to again..

I will write about our wonderful adventures some other time...I have to get my butt into gear and get outta my pjs..

I just want to thank you again Lynne for being you..For accepting me into your family home,for loving me and for making me feel alive again...And to your family-for being just as wonderful and accepting me for who I am and for making me feel very welcome and part of the family..

Belladonna,what can I say....You are one amazing and inspiring woman and I can't put into words how much your friendship means to me..I am so lucky to have you just around the corner,I think it is fate-a blessing..You are wonderful and stronger than you think and don't EVER let anyone tell you otherwise..

I will write more about how I have been a little later,I really have to get moving..

Take care deppies,

Jo xo

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Comments from the community:

Hey Joanne,

I was crying tears while reading your entry. Some because of what you are going through at home, but mainly tears of joy that you have found such wonderful friends in your time of need.

Both Chookie and Belladonna have always been lovely when i have been on chat with them, and i can see why you would have such a wonderful time with them.

Please keep fighting the urge to self harm, you have done so very well to abstain for a whole year. Think of the good times you have just had with Lynne and maybe call her if you feel like self harming, it may just be enough to get you through the thoughts. You also said Belladonna is very close by, please contact her if you feel the need, they are your friends, and we are all here to help you through the tough times.

Take care Joanne, and don't leave it too long before you go to visit Lynne again.

Luv Nouse

Written by Nouse, 23. Jun 2008 01:00 PM

Jo

You have got two amazing friends here on depnet and they will allow you visit them anytime and I think you know that.

The important thing is you get out and about and see them/meet other deppies.

Your mother sounds like Queen Bee - didn't even ask us how our honeymoon/trip to tassie was.

Be strong hun. You have people who care about you and that is important.

Go Jo!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 23. Jun 2008 06:13 PM

PS Jo

Look forward to reading about your adventures with chook and bella.

Go Jo!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 23. Jun 2008 06:14 PM

Hey Jo,

Hope things get better for you sending you love and support (((Jo))).

Love
Donna
xox

Written by super_sad, 23. Jun 2008 07:19 PM

Hi My Sweet BJ (Alias Michief Mouse)
I know you have been going thru hell this last week, I wish i could wrap you up in my arms and bring you up here to live with my bush family. You are such a wonderful, kind, caring person with so much love to give, it is so easy to accept you and love you for who you are, even if you flip me off the 4 wheeler lol.
You are not to blame with your home environment. There has to be give and take - not all take as your family is doing. We talked about moving out and for your own health and emotional well being, i really do think, as others do, that if you can move out, then you will be so much happier without negativity around you all the time.
I am so very very proud of you for going 51 weeks without harming yourself, and I know how hard you have been fighting the urges, but I have alot of faith in you and I know that you can do it and if you are struggling, you only need to contact me, Bella or Les and we will help you through anything. You are part of our lives now and we are so happy to have you in our lives.
My boys really enjoyed having you visit - now Dean can have his bed back lol - and next time you are up here we will show them how to ride a bike.
I makes me feel a little easier knowing that Bella is just around the corner from you so if you are really struggling, she is there for you to wrap her arms around you and protect you.
I love you so much BJ and am so happy that I have found you and you have become a huge part of my life.
Dont you let anyone tell you that you are not a nice person, and if they do, they will have Mumma Bear to deal with, and if she is angry that is not a pretty site.
Any battles that you face Jo, we can face together and will find a way to beat the hard times that you are dealing with at the moment.
We will turn that frown upside down remember.
All my love and support is yours for ever
Mumma Bear xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Written by chookie67, 23. Jun 2008 08:02 PM

Hi Jo, it's never easy saying goodbye to someone u love, stay strong and look forward to the next time u will both be together, it will get easier just give it time and look after yourself.
You are both so lucky to have each other and although your not close in distance u are both still there for each other, you will always be close in so many ways.
Wish i could say something to make it all better, if only it was that easy.
Please take care Jo and remember i'm always there for u as well if you need me.

((((((((((((((((((Jo))))))))))))))))))

B1

Written by bananas, 24. Jun 2008 06:55 AM

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