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Dysfunctional day of the year

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Written by toffee 26. Dec 2007 11:37 PM

I don't know if anyone else feels like this but I dread Christmas. It's for the last few years now and I keep thinking waht do I have to be so afraid of? THe answer is my family. We never get together except for this mandatory day and although it's a small family the insults fly all day. No thought of what is polite. I have to hear that my voice is nasal, that I'm fatter than last year (untrue), that I have a double chin, that I have too big a chin, that I don't stand up straight, that I'm too untidy etc etc. The strangest thing here is that I've been approached my modelling agencies and speak for a living! Is nothing good enough for them!!

As someone with issues specifically about my looks and the fact that I am 30 and feel very single and very unloved I don't need their critisism. I know it stems from issues they've had with me throughout the year that they haven't voiced. While also the fact that they are probably jealous that this year I have travelled the world and got a well repected high paying job but knowing this does not make the nasty insults any easier.

I feel like the person who has never stood up for herself and so has made others feel better about themselves by comparing themselves without compassion to me. Cutting me down to size with their snide comments about what they know hurts most.

Unconditional love is that too much to ask for? That my family, a few friends and a partner could love me regardless of the fact I'm not perfect.

I am trying so hard to work on my self esteem and perfectionistic tendacies but where do I put the comments that keep stabbing me? Why don't they care about any other measure of success except having a partner and settling down. I feel like a failure.

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Comments from the community:

Hi,

Sorry to hear that your Family seem to be very Judgemental and critical of you.

I guess maybe all you can say when the negative comments come is: " ah...thats not a very nice thing to say and I feel it was uncalled for".

Might shock them and show them how Nasty they are being and no one likes to think they are being nasty hey?

I have learnt that it's what i think and feel about myself thats far more important than what others think or feel about me.

If I act positively, happy, respect myself and accept me for who I am, all the good and the bad, I have found that others do too.

It's good that you are working on your self-esteem and Perfectionism too so keep going with that. Maybe even join a self-assertive course to help and give you some tips on it all.

I wish you all the best in your Future and hope things get better for you over the coming year. Happy New Year too.

(((((hugs))))) :)

Written by cherry1, 27. Dec 2007 02:10 PM

Toffee

Welcome to depnet as I haven't spoken to you/seen a diary from you before. I hope you find the site helpful.

I think you will find from the diaries on her prior to Christmas Day most of us have issues with Christmas/Boxing Day and seeing our families. My family are just the same as yours - argue, fight, name call - I was called a slut yesterday by Queen Bee - and all I can say is that god it is only once a year. My nerves and illnesses couldn't cope. I was ready to call the hospital again last night to be admitted.

Sorry things didn't go well for you with your family. You are right it is the most dysfunctional day of the year and we can't get out of going to parents/in laws because we would be made to feel worse for not turning up. So we go and feel guilty about being there.

Go Toffee!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 27. Dec 2007 04:50 PM

Hey toffee,

I wonder why the closest people (like family or boyfriend) often have the most insulting attitude. I have no answer yet. I experienced the same with my family. My parents have been generous with criticism and insulting, cold, unfriendly comments for many years. No surprise that I have been feeling unloved for my whole life since I was a child. I'm soooo jealous of everyone who has been feeling loved since they were young. Must be such a feeling of safety. Anyway. After more than one year of depression and a terrible time I am very sensible for these comments and I have learned to react. I react immediately and talk with them about how it may feel for them to be called fat or to be told that you never manage to do this and that or to be shouted at about nothing...and they are oftentimes surprised, because they don't realize what they say or how they say it. It's much better now since we all are aware of that problem. Maybe it's the same with your family. Just habits. Teach them to not take your presence for granted. You are surely a special loveable person who deserves more than mean comments.

By the way, I know the pain of feeling single at the age of 30 or a bit older. Thank you for your comment to my diary. I'm fighting hard against my belief that I'll never find someone who loves me. If only...if I only knew I'll find my love at the age of 60, I could spent a nice and peaceful time until then. But the fear of staying alone for all my life, this is the real problem. So maybe we should resolve to believe at least in the fact that we will meet someone at the age of 60...wouldn't it make a difference? I think it would – as the fear of staying alone is oftentimes just the fear of being a "loser", or "worse than others". But as I tried to teach myself in the diary – nobody is a complete loser. We may have been unlucky in one area, but we are surely luckier or stronger in one of the other ones.

All the best,
Luise

Written by Luise, 28. Dec 2007 11:19 AM

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