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God have mercy on us

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Written by bluewave 19. May 2008 06:20 PM

Thank you all for your support, I needed it and I am so grateful to have you all here supporting me without judgement.

Oh guys I just don't know anymore. I am positive and realistic and your words have put me back into perspective I know I can overcome this 'low'.

But I didn't know it was going to be this hard, seriously, how more years of this? I just don't understand, why? Where is God's mercy or is he punishing me?

Maybe I want to be sad, maybe I am too scared to move forward. Maybe There is no bloody God and we are all here on our own, doing it on our own.

I have lots of things to look forward in the next few months, starting uni etc...but...I just don't know anymore, I'm not giving up but I'm so tired :(

Sorry I have not commented to any diaries recently I'm too deflated at the moment.

Sometimes I imagine an angel waking me up from my sleep. She is standing above me and holds my face. The warmth from her hands runs into my body, melting the pain. She sings and because her singing is so intense I can not hear it, but I can feel it.

Light rushes and bursts out of my heart, healing it. My eyes look at her and I cry. My body bursts into flames and then millions of butterlies that fly away.

Bluewave
x

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Comments from the community:

I wish I could give you the answers that you seek, I really truly do, but I don't know the answers. I wish I did, because I wonder the exact same things myself. What did I do to deserve this? When am I going to feel that everything is finally OK and know that it is true? Where is God when I cry so hard and so deep that I feel my soul breaking? I think these questions are something that all of us struggle with to at least some degree. As much as a despise it, I think it is our own personal struggle with these questions and others like them that make our recovery from this horrid illness whole. We have to completely refind ourselves, redefined ourselves and our place in the world. It hurts like nothing on this earth, but at least it has a point (or at least I like to tell myself that it does, that is perhaps my way of dealing with it). Have you ever noticed that people with mental illness are perhaps deeper, have a knowledge of life and the world that runs deeper than those who haven't fought our battles? I notice that all the time - that the thoughts in the diaries on depnet run so much deeper than anything my 'real life' friends could possibly comprehend let alone write. I like to think that at the very least, once we've recovered we are deeper, more spiritual, philosophical beings. Some compensation, huh?

Written by babz, 19. May 2008 06:33 PM

Dearest bluewave, you bring tears to my eyes as l am sure so many people relate to what you say.There seems to be no middle ground you are either in heaven or spiral down to hell.Have suffered mental illness for 25 years ,as you no there is no easy answer,.You just hope that maybe just maybe it might give you some breathing space for a while .l really admire the way you express yourself .Your words and thoughts and honesty have really moved me, all l do is wish you some sort of mental freedom, and happiness for the future, and will send you big hugs my thoughts are with you take care for now.
rubee xx

Written by rubee, 19. May 2008 06:54 PM

Blue

I am glad the diary replies helped you and got you thinking about things. Think positively and act positively and things will fall into place.

Go Blue!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 19. May 2008 07:56 PM

Take care of yourself, you deserve to. May your buttiflies come along but never in the maner you describe, can they be healing, yes. It is very difficult fro anyone to question their faith but you will resolve it to your own satisfaction if not now then sometime soon.

We grow we change.

Take care

Liz
XXX

Written by keller, 19. May 2008 08:24 PM

Hey
I'l do a post 2moro in relation 2 this & sum of th comments, Im on my ph now so cant do long reply.
"th lite u were walkin 2wards is gettin dim" is wot u rote on yr last post...
Ever think thats coz yr turning a corner in th tunnel???
Til 2moro...
xxx

Written by Gyps, 20. May 2008 02:48 AM

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