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Written by bluewave 13. May 2008 06:18 PM

I self-harm last night.

I have not harmed for about 5 months or so, therefore I am greatly disappointed in myself. The reason I have been able not to harm is because I have not needed it, I have improved...

However last night I 'needed' it. I felt all my body image issues flooding back into me again, all the runminate thoughts chasing me again and though I am at work and feeling ok now, I wonder why I crumbled so easily yesterday, especially when I have been so strong this past month.

I am confused with this hole recovery, I however must admit to you all that when I slipped into the darkness last night, it was tempting and dare I say I somehow enjoyed it.

I'm not sure if this makes sense so sorry, I mean ofcourse I don't want to be depressed, and I was in a lot of emotional pain last night, I actually cried real tears, but a part of me felt soothed by it all, like seeing an old friend.

I am determined not to allow this setback and easiness to slip to stop me getting better. I want you all to know that by no means self-harm a solution but I need to state the facts to you all honestly as how I am doing.

I do feel like I have slipped dramactically in just over a day but I feel my spirit telling me not to let this get me down.

My eating disorder/SH stuff almost disappeared over the last 6 months but I know I can not ignore it, this is onwe aspect of my life that has never truely been emotionally resolved, now that my depression is sorted this issue has become more real agian.

It's time to face the FAT.

BLuewave
:( xo

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Comments from the community:

Hi Bluewave,

You have done incredibly well to control the SH for 5 months, that's a long time between events, well done. Don't beat yourself up too much over a little slip, sounds like you were emotionally upset over something, which is what caused your reaction. Just try to get back on the not SH train and see how you go, cause you and I both know you look at the damage the next day and wish you'd never done it. But I understand the release it gives as I SH as well. Last time 6 weeks ago, but determined not to go back there again.

All the best,

Fly

Written by fly, 13. May 2008 06:33 PM

Hey Blue,

I feel i am sort of in the same situation, where i feel any slip up is a huge backward leap. Unfortunately my poison is alcohol. I have only been sober for 26 days so you are way, way ahead of me babe!!
Like Fly said, please don't be discouraged by one setback, get yourself back on track now, straight away, knowing full well that you CAN do it.

Five months is a fantastic achievement, and you should be so very, very proud of yourself, as i am of you.

I have been through what you are going through with self harm and i can understand the addiction, and i am going through it again now with alcohol withdrawal. I can't seem to get much right in my life, but i am trying like hell!!!

I am also proud that you could tell the truth in your diary entry and this lets us know that you are struggling and if we speak to you in chat, it lets us have a little insight into your world so we can help in any way we can.

Take care Blue,

Luv Nouse

Written by Nouse, 13. May 2008 07:00 PM

I hate to see you slipping. My view is talk with your Psych this week and don't delay as you have been doing really well so they are obviously helpful to you, please keep going in the right direction bluewave.

Written by maple, 13. May 2008 07:01 PM

Hey Blue

5 months of not self harming is a proud thing to achieve!!! Go Girl!!! Pat yourself on the back. One minor setback is all it is in the 5 months and you can overcome this by rethinking about the harming and what it does to you when you do it. I know it is hard not to do it but you achieved a record of 5 months so you can get through it again. It is just a set back because you had bad head talk and you were not challenging it. Challenge that head talk when the feeling comes up again and hopefully you will be able to control it.

Go Blue!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 13. May 2008 07:37 PM

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