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POLICE 3 & Various Other Matters

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Written by bluewave 29. Apr 2008 02:51 PM

Hi all :)

I thought I should update you on whats been happening these past couple of weeks. I did confront my girlfriend about the fact that her father's abuse is illegal and can be stopped if she where to face the police.

She was raped again last week and in tears on the phone, I confronted her with the question of "if you know he will do this, why do you continue to visit your parent's home" She was quite for a long time and after some persuading she just said she goes over because she is scared of her mum asking questions if she refuses to visit.

I can understand that sexual abuse can be an extremely secretive matter where the victim is shameful and frightened to be exposed.

But I can not understand why she keeps goign back there, it makes me mad! Not so much at her but mad about the whole thing! She siad she didn't want to go to police yet because she doesn't want to ruin her dad's life??But what about her life?!!! How can she say this when he has completely destroyed her life!

Sorry..I feel fustrated because I so desperately want her to want to seek justice. I want her to vaule herself.

As for me I am seeing my psychiatrist today. I think I should update him as I have not seen him for months...but I hate talking to him, I can not open up to him and when I did the last time I felt judged and I felt I had to consistantly defend myself and prove to him how upset I was feeling...I need scripts anyway. I see my psychologist this friday and I am so excited as have not seen her for 2 weeks, I tell her everything and my relationship with her is great.

Anyway guys, I am still feeling great and I honestly feel myself reaching normality and actually experience happiness for the first time in a real looong time :)

Hug & Kisses for all

Bluewave
xxoo

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Comments from the community:

Ever think your friends scared of going to the police coz she's worried no-one will believe her?

To go to the police will destroy her entire family simply by the allegation being made, and if no-one in her family believes her, that will totally destroy HER...

You want her to value herself, yet how can she when she has never been valued her entire life?

Glad your doin good, keep up the hard work and the world is your oyster
xxx

Written by Gyps, 29. Apr 2008 02:59 PM

I think the first thing you and your friend need to do,is talk face to face with out any presure.Try to get her to talk to a rape counsellor,whether she reports her dad or not.But be there for her and support her no matter what she decides.Try and make a plan that she is never alone with her dad ,visit her mum when the dad is not there or just phone instead of placing herself in danger.Give her time to adjust to her emotions and the realities of what is happening.Fear plays havoc on ones emotions, the what ifs etc.But just be there for her.TC

Written by Deleted_User, 29. Apr 2008 05:58 PM

Hey Blue,

I wish I had a friend like you when I was 14.

Yes it seems it is a difficult area and the rights and wrongs of what to do next must be difficult for her and for you.

I wish I could give you some advice but I feel really unable to given my own obvious bias around rape issues.

All I can say is that I am so glad you are in this world, you will make a difference to this girls life, somehow you will find a way to do this

I am thinking of you, keep well

Liz

Written by keller, 29. Apr 2008 06:55 PM

Blue

Going to the police is a big thing to do and I am with Gyps - she could be scared how it will impact the family/her life and having to relive it so many times before it gets to court and then being cross examined and have your sex life brought up.

Be there for your friend but don't push her unless she asks for the help.

Go Blue!!!

Mrs Studying1

PS Glad things are going well for you and I hope you had a good session with the psychiatrist.

Written by studying1, 29. Apr 2008 07:40 PM

stud, dont insult ANY rape victim by referring to the abuse as "their sex life"

Either THINK before you write or simply DONT WRITE

Written by Gyps, 29. Apr 2008 08:37 PM

I don't know that studying1 meant it as an insult. They DO bring up your sex life in court as well as your sexual assault, so maybe studying1 was referring to that.

Maybe it'd be best not to jump to conclusions about who's insulting whom. From my perspective, it could be read either way, and probably wasn't intended to cause grief given the tenor of the rest of studying1's comment.

Written by g463, 29. Apr 2008 08:56 PM

Gyps

You are wrong with your comment about their sex life. G was right - I was thinking of her being questioned/cross examined in court about their sex life and all the horror of having to relive the situation of the rape and their own sex life being questioned.

Think before you write and read the diary entry as G did. It was a thought for the victim being cross examined and not an insult about what they have gone through.

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 29. Apr 2008 10:12 PM

Telling someone that you are being sexually abused is an extremely difficult thing to do. I was able to tell a friend in high school what had happened to me but was never able to tell a member of my family.

I am now 44 and after some intense therapy last year I was finally able to tell my dad what my uncle had done to me during my primary school years.

Logically it seems so easy for her to just go to the police however in reality it isn't. Her father has the power and she risks her whole family by revealing what her father is doing. Not all parents believe their children and that is something that I have seen first hand in the therapy group I attended last year.

The situation is very complicated and I would suggest that she approach a councillor who specialises in sexual abuse however if she is under 16 they will need a parent to authorise councelling.

In the meantime as her friend the best thing you can do is to be there for her and allow her to talk if she needs to. Let her know that whatever decision she makes you will support her and try not to pressure her into making a decision that she is not ready to make. As grannie suggested a plan that she never has to be with her dad alone would be a great interim measure.

Should you wish to ask me any questions my email and msn details are on my profile. Please note that what I have written above is purely from my own experience and may not be totally correct for her situation. Take care and your friend is lucky she has someone like you to support her.

Jenny

Written by lifesucks, 30. Apr 2008 12:38 AM

I wonder if you told your Psych (either of them) about this situation with your friend. I think you need to ask their opinion of how to handle this situation. It's way too complex and important to be dealt with any other way than with Professional assistance and advice.
Which does not include the Police at this point. But yeah you absolutely need a clearer picture of where this needs to go....

Written by maple, 30. Apr 2008 02:45 AM

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