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DESPAIR :(

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Written by bluewave 5. Feb 2008 04:38 AM

2:24am

I am not doing well at all.

I have nver felt this complete lack of sensation in my lif...each relapse gets scarier and with each relapse, the bad thoughts become more real and real!!!

My weight...the fat, the extra person living under my skin!! I am completely and utterly distgusted in how I have let myself put on so much weight...15kg. I HATE IT. I can not see things changing!! When will things get better???!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's been toooo many flipin years and I feel my arms raised above my head ready to show the sign of giving up.

I am exhausted.

I am angry, I am so hurt and angry at men. I know I can not generalise but how can I trust them ever again. I have become resentful and bitter within the past two months..I do not like this side of me. This is not the sort of woman I want to become.

I don't want to be spiteful but I AM SO HURT, SO ANGRY. I want to scream but I can not.

I am fizzed out, distraught and 'mad'

I am not suicidal and I don't feel an impulse to go that far. However I have started self harming again...I saw my psychaitrist this morning, I talked but came home with no solutions or plans. $150 for what?? I give up on the medications and doctors...of course I am not stupid enough to actually stop either, but I come home feeling like the whole ordeal of appointment was for nothing.

GOD IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

ahhhhhhhhhhhh CRYING :'( SAD

bluewave

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Comments from the community:

Bluewave

At least you saw your psychiatrist and I am sure they helped you with your goals - you just aren't at the stage of admitting you are required to do some work to overcome this disease.

It is not easy when there is a relapse but you have to learn to cope with them and work with your psychiatrist to lessen the severity of the relapse/coping strategies for the relapse.

Go Bluewave!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 5. Feb 2008 07:13 AM

PS Bluewave

Regarding the weight, I am in the same boat and I blame it on avanza. The next thing you need to do is ask your psychiatrist to put you on a non fattening a/d - they exist - I'm on luvox. It is better than the avanza and the others I have had as the cravings aren't as bad.

Go Bluewave!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 5. Feb 2008 07:16 AM

You are not alone honey. I also put on almost 30kilos while on Avanza...I know the feeling of disgust when I looked in the mirror. I have been off that med now for about 8 months & have dropped 15kilos but still battling. Not sure what med you are on... but I know some anti-depressants are well known for weight gain.
Hugs & Support,
Valerie x0x

Written by Deleted_User, 5. Feb 2008 10:29 AM

thinking of you love

take good care of yourself

wd

Written by WhiteDove, 5. Feb 2008 12:02 PM

Oh Blue this is all awful for you
Reading your despari (apart from self harming and i replaced that problem behaviour with suicidal thought and actions)I see myself particularly in the part about i dont want to be this sort of woman

You need some intervention (a psychologist or counseller??) you only mention the doctor...they are relevent but only part of the process. You neeed a care team, and depnet forms part of that.

I hope you take some action to free you up a little that isnt so self destructive, dont give up you can live a beeter life a life worth living and become the woman you want to become

All my very best

Liz

Written by keller, 5. Feb 2008 02:28 PM

Hey Bluewave, sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time at the moment. Hang in there and try to do something for you. Take care of yourself, From Riles

Written by riles, 5. Feb 2008 03:59 PM

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