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anxious

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Written by bluewave 4. Sep 2007 02:50 AM

I can't sleep tonight, I haven't anxious in such a long time. I feel like I can't breath properly and want to cry but can't. I'm happy I mean I have been very happy recently especially after ending affair. I miss him sometimes...often but the more I think about it I realise what a mistake I did. I chose to do it for my own selfish reasons, I love him and truely loved him but what a bad descion I chose.

I am so aware now, the fog has cleared and I know not only was he emotionally abusive I felt guilty a lot and the relationship was not healthy. I just feel a bit lost now, where to I go on from here. I have met this awesome new guy but I am so scared, I haven't been in a normal relationship before and I am so scared of screwing things up. I just want to be able to show my real self. I have so many qualities and love but these past years they really have been crushed and forgotten by myself.

I want to get better so badly and I know I have improved but sometimes the bad thoughts visit me and its such a shock. It's unreal and even though I'm well aware of my depression sometimes it suprises me still.

why does this happen to people, why are we sick? I don't understand why! It's such a unbelievable feeling and can't understand what reasons I have to be this way. It almost feels pathetis like I am wasting so much time and for what?? for hating myself for things I ahve done things I can not change and things that probably won't ever happen! it seems all pointless and I wish I knew how to rid this infection out of my mind, body and soul.

Lide is just too short, I realise I don't have much time, I want to start living and moving on. why is it so hard? why is it this way for so many of us? why does it hurt all the time when there is no need for the pain.

I'm sorry for my mistakes, I am so very sorry and regretful and scared and frightened, what can I do to stop this illness. Will I ever be able to make up for the bad choices I ahve made?? can I ever be forgiven by Gid, if there is one. If there is a heaven will I be allowed in?

I'm so very tired, just so exhausted and all I want is for someone to hold my hand and help me to the end of my journey, to tell me everything will be ok and that I deserve to be happy

bluewave

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Comments from the community:

Hi bluewave

Take some time for you, maybe thats what you need? mayne finnish your studies and then see what happens.

You are the most important thing in your life, take care of you first, sounds selfish, but in the end you alweays have yourself.
Hope that makes sense and good for another Perthy to help each other

(((HUGGZZ)))

Aljay

Written by Deleted_User, 4. Sep 2007 12:56 PM

Heya Bluewave, this is stanford..
The further away you get from your mistakes, as in over time, the less harrowing their effect will be. Try not to be so hard on yourself, everyone makes mistakes, and being sorry about them means trying not to repeat them is all. Make some good decisions instead of bad ones. I have only ever seen you hurt yourself anyway. The pattern with you seems that your entire emotional state is governed by the lover of the day, leaving you feeling out of control most of the time. Don't hand all your power over, lovers come and go....
All the best.

Written by Deleted_User, 4. Sep 2007 01:43 PM

Bluewave

You need to give yourself the power back to make decisions and to feel good about yourself. Ayla is right and you need to do things for yourself and not for another person. Forget the guilt stuff as it is suffocting you and you need to learn new habits that can help you.

Go Bluewave!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 4. Sep 2007 02:56 PM

Ta......didn't say things are ok without a lover, and don't mean at all that relationships don't have a massive effect on one's well being. Just that you need to know yourself somewhere in all of that and not only just be a reflection of the relationship of the day, or you will frequently be a total mess, and certainly always feel out of control....don't forget to have fun, love the one you are with, but love yourself as well, ok?

Written by Deleted_User, 5. Sep 2007 05:21 PM

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