Read diary

Comments from the community:

(((((((((((bluewave))))))))))))

I understand the need to feel like you need a man to validate yourself. I have made some stupid mistakes in my time. Take care hun and do what you feel is best. I for one do not judge you

Lotsa love
Debbie./

Written by Deleted_User, 29. Apr 2007 04:33 AM

Bluewave,

They say that we can't help who we fall in love with, and I think that it is true. You have not committed a "sin" like you think. Certainly it is an action that could cause hurt to another, but, when that feeling takes hold of your mind and your soul, it is very hard to fight it.
That said, it seems to me from what you have written that you want this relationship to end because you are aware that you could hurt another person who does not deserve it, but it seems that you are afraid to end it yourself, even though you know this is best. Pushing him away until he breaks up with you won't always work.
I think that you know you need to end this relationship, but you are afraid, and that's perfectly normal. When you find the strength you will do what you feel is right. Until that time, try to be strong for yourself, try to live your life for yourself.
There's so much ahead of you, keep on trying and keep on fighting.

I hope this makes sense, bluewave.

Hugs from Kitty

Written by Deleted_User, 29. Apr 2007 08:11 AM

Hi Bluewave
Focus on you. You say you love him - but you want him because you are afraid of being alone. But you have chosen a man with whom you will always be alone. Ring any bells? It's safe, this relationship, because it reinforces your feelings about your natural state. This is the depression, the internal voice, and it's wrong - you deserve a relationship with someone who is whole and in it and you deserve to want to be with someone who is a partner on equal footing.

Do you really want a man who cheats on his wife? Who lies every day? Who thinks so little of your feelings that he has put you in a situation where you have to lie and pretend it is not happening?

The voice that's berating you for sinning? Reinforcement again, and passively pushing him away so you are not responsible is going to allow you to keep feeling this way. You can get out - but first you need to believe that this relationship is and will make you unhappy and that you deserve to be happy.

You have chosen a man who takes the easy path. He has chosen someone who he can control, and a situation in which he has all the power. I feel for his wife, and for you. But you have power in this - you can shift the balance and take back what he is taking from you. You can't fix him, and you can't fix the damage to his wife. But you can fix the situation.

The pain in your head is the conflict between fear and wanting to be whole. You have to let go of the feelings of shame and guilt enough to feel them externally, not internally - to know you did wrong, but not feel a bad person because of a silly mistake. There is still space for you to find yourself in this. A crisis is also an opportunity.

I hope that you can make it through this and come out stronger and happier than you were before. I believe you can. I believe that you are strong enough.

hugs
msm

Written by mrsmooch, 29. Apr 2007 12:23 PM

Bluewave

Listen to what as been written by the other writers. They are wise people and have said all that needs to be said to you. You have made a mistake and he is taking advantage of the situation. If you are strong enough break it off/stop seeing him.

Go Bluewave!!!

Studying1

Written by studying1, 29. Apr 2007 05:06 PM

Heya,

I agree, be careful of this guy in case he is taking advantage of you. But I know not all guys are taking advantage of their younger partners - I know a guy who is about the same - 20 years older than his partner. He's the nicest guy you will ever meet and same with his partner is too and theirs is a legitimate relationship - no funny business, so to speak.

Uhh I don't know why I even said that - you already know.

But yeah the feeling that you won't be able to cope by yourself if you stopped the relationship is an automatic one - everyone gets it when they get comfortable and used to being in a relationship. You'll find that if you do make the leap to go it alone you'll be pleasantly surprised that you are stronger than you think. That's how its always been for me, especially when I broke up with my bf that I'd been with for 7 years. I was shit scared, but when I sort of closed my eyes and jumped into the deep end, I found I was able to tread water just fine.

-- KazzaX

Written by KazzaX, 29. Apr 2007 07:13 PM

Oh, babe, been there, done that! Why do depressed teenagers do SO MANY stupid things? I don't mean to be offensive, but I know exactly what you are going thru. Take it from someone older and wiser....there is no easy way to say this, no polite way to get the message thru, but from a fair dinkum 'oldie', get over it! Honestly hun, you are not doing yourself any long term favours. There are a great many predators out there, willing to take advantage of young, vulnerable ppl (male and female).

I have been thru the self harm, the 'older man', just about everything else, and TRUST ME. It is not worth it. PLEASE, PLEASE get yourself some help. You are unwell, it is not in your mind, there is nothing you can do to 'snap out of it'. Hunny, sit down and write out a list of your good qualities. You owe it to yourself to get some help before it's too late.

It is hard, being a teenager is hard. Being a depressed adult is hard. Don't waste another moment, get help now.

Here endeth the lecture. Take care, and look after yourself.....nobody else will. You are not a bad person, you are not a bad person, you are not a bad person....(repeat ad infinitum).

Written by tbrown14, 29. Apr 2007 10:36 PM

Oh my Dear Bluewave

You are not a bad person and you will not go to hell because of this.

You are depressed and simply filling a need that we all have - the need to feel loved and wanted.

You are the only one that can decide where this relationship will go or where it will all end.

You will meet someone else should you decide to end it. It won't be easy and it will take time, but you deserve the love and companionship of a man who will be there for you at all times. Not one that has to go back to his wife.

Take care and try not to beat yourself up too much over this. You are a good person.

Love hugs and support from
Shadowdancer xxx

Written by Shadowdancer, 30. Apr 2007 01:26 PM

A few thoughts...

You say you know you will go to hell for this & it scares you. Now, I don't believe in all that heaven & hell mumbo jumbo, but what "sin" have you committed? The one doing wrong by someone else is the bloke you're seeing.

Why?

Because HE is the one who made a commitment to somebody that he is now breaking. You made no commitment or promise to his wife; he did.

Also, it seems where you say, "I am not the victim here" you are painting yourself as the (for want of a better word) 'manipulator'. Similarly, others have replied painting him as the 'predator'. It's like you're this vamp who set her sites on seducing him while simultaneously he was busy luring you away from the playground with lollies.

I don't understand why in either case.

As someone elsewhere pointed out, love knows no boundaries. Being only a few years younger than him and married, I can certainly understand his side of things & doubt he was this dirty old man lurking around your school & bamboozling you with tales of love, wealth & travel. Love is love is love. You love him, and I've no doubt it is possible for him to love you, too.

Still, if you're feeling the way you're feeling about the relationship, you owe it to yourself to break it off, no matter how painful that thought is. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

And, yes, your heart will break into a zillion pieces when it finally ends. But that's the amazing thing about hearts - their ability to completely mend themselves.

I dunno - this is just some jumbled-up rambling.

Written by Deleted_User, 30. Apr 2007 04:10 PM

sorry, disagree - you do choose who to love. love is an act, not an event. you might not choose who to lust after or to be infatuated with, but love takes work and supplying not wants, but the best interest of the spiritual growth of another. It is giving and growing, extending oneself to be all that you can be and expecting the same from each other. No one in this situation is growing.

In answer to another comment, this guy is not a predator, but he has control of the entire situation, he is the only one who does, because he is the only one who knows every side of it and chooses to make himself the centre of a situation in which nobody else can win. That sucks.

And yes, he has more power just because he is older. He has more responsibility, more experience, and more choices. He is making the rules here.

And bluewave - another thing I've been thinking about - please don't believe this affair will follow you, it won't. You will recover. You won't go to hell. You will move on. It will be over. You will be stronger. You will have learnt something yourself and about others. This is an opportunity to think about why you have made decisions and whether you want to make those decisions again, or try something different.

In the end, it will be good!
n

Written by mrsmooch, 30. Apr 2007 05:08 PM