It HURTS, INSIDE and OUT
A page in the diary ""
Written by bluewave 4. Feb 2007 02:25 PM
I am hurting so much, my heart feels like it is exploding and my stomach is aching. On friday night I went drinking with my boyfriend and work mates. I drank a lot, too much. Towards end of night I started to feel really weird, I had been sick whole week, but at that moment felt really sick and worried.
I went to Mc Donalds to get a drink I was so thirsty. Boyfriend just wanted to go to next bar, I told him to go and leave me even though I wanted him to wait for me. Befor i knew it I was lying in alley way, crying, lying on my back. I don't know what happened. I rang him and was screaming and he just said "it's ok you are ok, just meet me at bar."
I was so upset, seriously felt like I couldn't physically move. But I forced myself up because lying in alley way probably a lot more dangerous. My boyfriend was acting really distant. He was worried about me but because he didn't know what to do he just pretended like I was fine. I couldn't stop crying
I feel so embarrassed. I was like a zombie and sitting on chair inside bar, with head down, crying. I sat like that for ages. Then i saw him talking to a really absolutely, beautiful blonde woman. She must of been a model, seriously georgeous and perfect. I was no match for her!
It broke my heart! I felt so UGLY I felt fat and worthless, why didn't he come to comfort me, why didn't he hold my hair back while I vommitted, why didn't he stay with me. Why was he talking to some chick when it was visiably obvious that there was something seriously wrong with me. I even asked him to take me to a hospital. How could he just leave me there, he always makes me drink too much, and sometimes pot too. I never say no, so it's my own fault. he is beautiful and I love him, but he was selfish that night. i felt so alone!
I was like a zombie the next day too. I felt and still feel physically weird. I felt like I couldn't move my arms or legs. really weird. My stomach is aching like hell because yesterday I ate and ate and ate, I ate so much I swear my stomach could have burst!
Now I am just feeling flat and angry, I feel so irritated!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Oh god!, I was going to cut last night, but I did not :) still my heart is breaking, I feel stupid and hurt and ashamed.
bluewave
:'(