ASHAMED
A page in the diary ""
Written by bluewave 5. Jan 2007 12:29 AM
Hey guys,
I feel I must expose some light on the real me. I want to tell you guys some of secrets.
I am having a relationship with a guy who is already in one. I feel no guilt. This scares me a little. But this is the real me, I have never been someone to cheat but I care very deeply about this man. I met him in hospital, we became friends and then became closer. I realise I must feel some guilt because I do think about it a lot. I wonder what his girl would feel if she knew. I wonder why the hell have I become the sort woman I would never want to be. I don't want to stop what I am doing but I know I will end it as soon as I can. We have been together for a few months now and it feel so right.
But still...I know this is immoral, wrong, distgusting and completely insulting to his girl. We are not even that intimate, sex is not a priority. We just talk and talk, we travel on the same mind wavelength, I have never felt this way about a man before. Since I have met him my psychologist (who knows about it all) says my self-esteem has shot through the roof. I am starting to believe that life is ok. That I want live and that I love myself so much more.
I have never had a normal relationship with a man. Men used to scare me, but now all I want is them, I want them for comfort and to make me feel safe. It worries me though that for the past couple of years I, have done, and become, everything I have hated in the past. I feel like I have let myself down, but I have this impulsive pull towards all the wrong things. I still want all the wrong things, I know my self esteem is still not steady, it fluctuates. This relationship is ultimately not good and I know this, and I feel it in my gut, that it will eventually turn into disaster.
It's such a huge burden and deep deep secret I am keeping here. i do not like secrets I hope I made a good descision to expose myself, I feel I must be 100% honest with you guys. When will life be better? I will keep living but when will I start making the right descision? When will I control my illness and be the woman I have always wanted, desired and in the past strived for?
bluewave
xxoo