Alone but bad memories visit
A page in the diary ""
Written by bluewave 11. Nov 2006 06:28 PM
Hey guys,
I am still at the clinic. This will be my fourth week coming up and I can not judge if I am better. This is my third time in clinic this year! I do feel I am taking on board a lot more, reinforcing stuff. I have also been talking A LOT more. I am letting my true self come out. I no longer giggle or smirk when talking about suicide to try to diverge seriousness. I realise now how serious things have become for me and it is time to admit this. I am trying very hard to show people my real feelings instead of placing a smile on a face that is truely crying inside.
I am still incontact with my friend in the clinic. The 41 married man. He has left clinic and so I meet him for coffee now and then on my lunch breaks. I feel so drawn to him and though I do not intend to keep him for anything intimate I know being friends with him is probably just as dangerous. I feel completely focused on him. I vaule his friendship so much but deep down in my gut I know he only wants sex from me. To be honest I don't mind and I know that sounds horrible. But my whole life all I wanted was affection and I have never felt that I deserve to be treated in a way I wish to be.
I am home ight now just for one night and as soon as I have arrived I have eaten so much, I have binged. for 3 weeks at the clinic my appetite was gone. I no longer feel like comforting my pain with food. But I realise evertime I come home for the week end I slowly ease into the bad eating Habits.
Living at home just makes me feel so tense and restricted and scared. I feel uncomfortable, it's hard for me to open up to my family and I can not look dad in the eye. He makes me feel like there are ants crawling up my skin.
While attending sessions with my psychologist Halina, we have tip toed around my past. I realise there is a lot I want to clearly say to her. Things I am too afraid to admitt to my Psycharitrist. I feel I can trust you guys to support me. So I feel it might help if I say it to you guys first...Then maybe I'll tell her.
I want to tell her I remember my dad chasing me everytime I finished a shower to take naked photos of me. I used to run around the house and then to my room and lock the door. Honestly I don't know if it was sexual or not. I honestly do ot know his intentions. He never touched me. But I was eight and it always haunts me, it makes me sick and I feel I have been watche all my life. I also have a flash back and agian I do not know the severity of the situation.
I remember standing in the bathroom naked when I was five and having my dad's friend (who molested my older sister when she was 12) Just looking at me. Maybe it's just my imagination, But I can't get the thought out of my head. the thought of being watched is ruminating in my head and this is one of the reasons I feel so sad and anxious at times. I know it causes me a lot of sadness all these years but nothing ever happened to me, and I guess it's not such a big deal so I've been too scared to say it, just incase it's nothing, just incase I'm just paranoid and then I will cause so much trouble. But The thoughts haunt me, I still feel like I'm being watched and I feel sick in the stomach. I honestly shy away from kindness from men and much prefer them to treat me less because temporarily I can deal with that sort of treatment.
Deep down I just want to be loved unonditionally, I want to feel SAFE and secure, I want to want to live. I want to feel human again and I want people to respect me again. I wish I could demand respect from men. I find it so difficult to speak up when I man treats me badly It's just so difficult it's like my mouth becomes suddenly sown together. I want to talk but Imy mouth won't open. I always feel scared.
Bluewave
xxoo