Read diary

Feeling so very ALONE

A page in the diary ""
Written by bluewave 11. Jun 2008 07:40 PM

Hi,

I plan to enrol in a dancing class today as my psychologist wants me to lose weight. Well actually I want to lose weight as it is making me very depessed, she suggested weight watches but I eat well and I know I just need to start exercising again.

For the past 3 weeks now and today I still feel like bursting into tears. NOrmally I can identify why but I just don't know anymore, all I know is that it hurts...

I am feeling 'desperately lonely' I guess I am still having some trauma about the abuse from my ex...I feel I am becoming more and more sensitive and intense feeling of lonliness is increasing with each day.

I have been falling asleep every night on the couch with the tv on. I just can't sleep other wise, having the tv on makes me feel like someone is there next to me as I fall asleep and I find this comforting.

I have never felt this way before. I really don't think I'm happy. It hurts terribly and it's hard to describe what I'm feeling I hope all this lakes sense, even as I am writing my chest physically hurts, the kind of hurt you feel when you are heart broken...does this make
sense?

I am fighting this depression with everything I have got, I know I have improved but I fear I am slipping into automatic negative thoughts again.

I feel so f...ing alone, it's pathetic I know. I really don't understand why and what is happening to me. My moods are unstable and though in some areas I am ok, this relationship/men/lonliness is getting to a point that I am actually getting worried for myself.

I do not want to end up a bitter woman, I a, worried I will not be able to trust or love a man again...I really soncerley doubt I can.

I feel so heavy with pain and it's dragging me down.

I wonder what Jesus thinks of me now...? I ahve committed sins and though I question my faith A LOT and have lost touch with it I still fear I am going to hell. That I am a bad person, that I can never redeem myself. I just want to be loved I want to say sorry for not being better. I wish, I want to be better!!

I better daughter, sister and friend! Why is this becoming so difficult and eventhough I am very self aware and dealt with depression for a few years now I still can't wrap my head around why I am like this!!

WHY?!!!!!!!

What makes me different from my successful sisters? Why did I have to be the one who is fat and depressed and constantly struggling??

Bluewave
:(

« Prev page | Next page »

Comments from the community:

Hi, Bluewave,
Without doubt keep your faith. May I say that Jesus loves you. He loves us for whatever we have done .We don't have to redeem ourselves as He is our redeemer.
Have you thought about talking to someone at your church. Also "talking"therapy is good for getting through broken relationships. If you worry about ever having a relationship again it just make you get worse.Try to develop some new strategies for dealing with your negative thoughts and frustrations.
But as I've said before- just work on thing at a time and the other areas will follow.

Thinking of you ,
Best wishes,
Julie

Written by julesfree, 11. Jun 2008 08:03 PM

You victimise yourself by asking why. You also have expressed yourself really well, you sound really lonely and hoping for a new relationship. Remember how terribly lonely I have been in the couple of years I have been here? Don't go back with that slimebucket whatever you do. There is someone decent out there for you. I think since your weight is such a concern to you that you could start working on that, it seems such an issue for you. You've come this far bluewave, keep going in the right direction.

Written by maple, 11. Jun 2008 08:09 PM

Hi Bluewave,

I cant offer any advice, but I read your diaries and you seem to articulate exactly what I am going through. So all I can say is I get it, how deep it is. How falling asleep in front of the TV helps all of it. I get it. I was crying the other day, just out of pure frustration and I prayed that no body else felt this way. I'm so sorry you do. good luck with the weight loss. I just cant be bothered right now.
Anyway all the power to you and good luck!

Written by untouchable, 11. Jun 2008 09:28 PM

Others have the same or similar feelings and overcome them with the right treatment. So, you are not alone.

My current episode has arisen since I changed medication and I'm dismayed by how I feel. Your question about Jesus is too big to deal with on this site.

Written by TerryN, 11. Jun 2008 09:47 PM

Blue

I hope you are feeling better since this was written.

Go Blue!!!

Mrs Studying1

Written by studying1, 14. Jun 2008 04:54 PM

About depression	Help with depression	Help for relatives	Society	DepNet Community	My Depression