Searching
A page in the diary "Ups and downs of my life"
Written by sammy1987 12. Apr 2007 12:12 AM
Well I always seem to find myself back here...its the only place I really comfortable to talk about things that are going round in my head. And right now...man theres so much in there.
So searching...i have no damn idea what im searching for. Happieness?? Myself?? what I want..what i want in life? What i WANT to be not who i SHOULD be.
The things i set out to do on my time off...i didnt do. I cleaned my room and washed my sheets but thats as far as it got. I got lazy again and fat. Whatever weight i lost i have put back on. Back up 88kgs. I got down to 82kgs...6 kgs back on. In a matter of weeks..why?? Cos i felt sorry for myself...and id fight with my family cos i wasnt working and the fact they kept trying to find jobs for me...jobs I didnt want. And id be just so low...id eat and have no motivation because ..i dunno. I know its not my families fault...its mine. I just wish they understood me abit more... The only person who can change MY life..is ME!
I wish i had adifferent me. Its like trying to find a needle in a hay stack. IMPOSSIBLE! But i am going to do the impossible...a make over is what i need.
Went back to work...did my training and stuff so I am technically officially starting tomorrow. Up at 8:30 am and off for a long day!
I am going to be changing things...I am going to take my lunch with me, I am not going to drink as much fizzy drink..i am gunna drink more water and juice.. if i start to feel tired and want to rest...i am going to push myself that bit further. If i start having bad thoughts...i am going to stop them b4 they get to loud...it wont beat me! DEPRESSION will not beat me like it beat my mum! No way!
Next month...16th of May...it'll be 3yrs. 3yrs since my whole life just got destroyed...so now i think its time..instead of just floating and just "being" I am going to start LIVING...and build a new life.
So searching...i guess i am seraching for ME! And as soon as i find ME...i'll let you's know.
I may go off on little tangents...not really loooking for comments...just like this place to leave my thoughts b4 bed!!!
So take care guys...and a toast..to all the wonderful courages ppl fighting depression...we will win! *CHEERS*
love sammy!