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Insufficient diversions

A page in the diary "Chronicles of my melancholy mind"
Written by gideon9595 11. Oct 2005 06:52 AM

My partner got me paving the front yard, a bit of sunshine and work to get me out of bed.
It worked for a couple of days.
I had to push myself yesterday. Although we finished the paving, and all the mates that helped hung around to 4:30am.
We had 6 kids in the backyard sleeping in tents (camping with a TV and DVD with an extension cord into the laundry no less)
It was a fun night. I had deprived myself of one of those for so long.
Everyone was drinking but me, but it seemed fine. I laughed so hard that my spine was cracking. I felt like I was on the up and up.
Then today I felt like I had the plague.
The sweet kids from the backyard that seemed so cute with their mod con tent really seemed like annoying monsters that made to much noise.
I lay in bed till 10:30am. I didn’t bother to ring work and tell them I wasn’t coming in.
I pushed myself out the door at 2pm to do errands for other people.
I had to find out about the perfect PC for a friends dad, a lavender bush as a hedge for my dad, had to do a resume for my sister-in-laws friend, do a western union money transfer to Manila for a mate. And I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.
I can’t understand why people come to me to find out or get help with all their mundane stuff. It’s a petty gripe and not related to my depression, but it can affect my anxiety when I have to fight and struggle to do stuff.
I saw my Dr today and signed paper work in regards to work cover.
We scrolled through my medical records and my latest bout of anxiety has been lasting since January 2004. I had a 3-month black out or haze out that I don’t remember where I continued to work and it seems mad now that I didn’t act sooner.
I had problems about 18 months into my current job, which I started 5 1/2 yrs ago.
So, I have been placed on a mode stabiliser, and I hope this helps.
Can’t wait to return to work, feeling useless and bored.
Funny, being home is getting depressing, and working in causing anxiety.
I need to find a win-win in that somehow.

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Comments from the community:

Dear Gideon,
Your comments rang true. I decided to accept yesterdays joy vs todays confusion is a unique part of me and has major benefits.

Sure I'd love consistency, it brings a sense of security but the variations in mood and emotions, have also brought a depth of understanding, compassion and peace, that I doubt I could have been taught.
It's helped me pick my battles and the days I'm best suited to certain tasks.

That's where I found the win win for me.

I was a workaholic, a condition that was inherited from parents that believed that to be seen as successful was paramount.
I hold no grudges. Parents tend to teach what they were taught.

I haven't worked for an employer, since being hospitalised (2004) when my body and brain conspired together to shut down in an effort to allow me to recover. This gave me a newfound respect for the power of our physiological and psychological systems.

So I stay away from my addiction (work) but found a sense of peace and self-understanding that no job can offer.
Self-sufficiency was the key for me. I now grow most of my own food, and that was the main drive to survive.

Once I started nurturing my food, I nurtured myself. Now there is somewhere I can go every day no matter how I feel, and feel consistency, security, and peace. To the garden. It’s not only my larder it’s my easel, as I tend to paint with plants, driftwood, rock etc. It's my mood stabliser.

I too was the errand boy/girl, I loved to help, it made me feel worthy, the more I did the better I felt, briefly. Now I rarely do the errands, I provide produce instead and have not lost respect or a friend along the way. I have more respect for others also.

It’s an honour to know you.
Chy xx
PS. Moods get worse around the full moon, this is very normal. Remember, the oceans, crops, animals etc are all affected. Humans are simply not so unique they are unaffected.

Written by Chy, 11. Oct 2005 01:50 PM

hey gidz,
sounds like the last few days have been pretty busy! you did well to do so much, i wouldnt worrie about the down day we all have those from time to time. i use to help people heaps until i worked out all they were doing was using me. now i just dont speak to people really because i dont have the confidence to speak up and say no im not doing that for you. if helping out friends is right for you, you do that if its not, tell them. good to hear aswell that your looking forward to going back to work, that seems to always be a good sighn of recovery :) im on epilim as a mood stabilizer, works really well for me. im sure if i didnt have it heaps of people would of walked out on me because of the mood swings i had. i hope it makes a difference for you, no matter how small its still something after all :)
love manda

Written by greenmartian, 11. Oct 2005 07:41 PM

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