More dribble again
A page in the diary "Keeping it all together"
Written by Tracy 22. Aug 2005 12:57 AM
Well The weekend is over my M has gone to bed the girls are in bed and all is quiet. Once again a fairly busy weekend , Sorting out a costume for my daughter for book week. Have to get up early and put ringlets in her hair before she catches the bus, bummer hate getting up in the mornings as it is with ot adding an hour on to it. Bought myself an office chair for this computor because my back has been playing up a bit so helpfully that will help. Went out las night with friends for dinner, I had to drive typical and of course it took me two hours to get get my husband to want to leave. We dont go out very often and when we do I seem to always drive, well if M drives then we have to go home as soon as we have eaten he just cant cope with socialising and not been able to have a few beers. I is getting that way I prefer to stay home , at least then I can have a few drinks on a Sat night and talk with my husband. Its about the only time we talk is when he have a few drinks and I have a few drinks ( mind you I only have two cans I cant cope with feeling tiddly anymore I think it having children I dont like feeling out of control), seem to be able to wind down. Today wasnt very productive, M was tired and a bit hungover, I was also a bit tired - getting home at two am in the morning with a very chirpy husband who reaked of alcohol and then was feeling a bit amorous, of course I was tired and had enough of listening to the boys and their drunken dribble and just wanted to go to sleep. Havent felt at all like sex since I have been on the meds and seem to be making every excuse I can to avoid the whole thing. I know this isnt healthy to our relationship , however the few times I have attempted I just dont seem to feel anything. I guess thats what they call the side effect sexual disfunction. Although I wonder if it is just me or are others having this problem too. I keep telling myself that maybe a little bit of romance, nice music, candles, etc may create the mood. However I just cant be bothered in trying to create the moodand M cerainly cant be bothered, and even though I have sugggested to my husband many times that I am sick of being groped and that he has become lazy in that department, that it is getting to the point that it just makes me cross and annoyed and I feel like saying F--- Off to him (occasionally I do but not in such volgur language), when ever he gropes me, and then he laughs at my annoyance wich makes me even worse. Why cant he just get it that I just cant turn it on when I get into bed. I need niceness, and him to express himself romantically from the start of the day. I love flowers a bunch every now and then would be lovely, M says it just a waste of money and a crock of sh--. He really at times has no idea when it comes to want women want, need and like. And mind you doesnt want to know either, he would rather go without then to put a bit of effort into it. Gosh Here I go again paying out on him. Although we arent fighting we really are good mates, however sometimes that is the trouble I have become his mate and forget that I am still a women that really does occasionally love all that mushy stuff. And I do tell him but he just doesnt listen.
Tomorrow is Monday and I really hate Mondays with evengance. The week seems so long and the housework never ending. But all in all I am not down but not up either, kinda just feel I suppose the word is misunderstood, and even though I had M to myself all weekend we really didnt communicate about anything, We went for a drive today to get wood, but we were both tired so no talking at all today other then mere chit chat.
Anyway I guess things are alright otherwise, I am not teary, not angry, just plogging along and kinda just shrugging my shoulders at everything. Kinda in the Whatever mood.
So I hope tomorrow I am more motivated and more enthusiastic about things
Sorry if I have bored you all with my dribble, but as you all know for me if I get what is in my head out in writing then It seems to help me sleep, I dont seem to do as much thinking about stuff. So it does help me although it must bore everone else. Sorry all.
I hope everyone is OK and had a good weekend
Tracy