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Bubble and Brew

A page in the diary "Keeping it all together"
Written by Tracy 19. Aug 2005 01:35 AM

The last few days I felt it manifesting, bubbling and brewing it took all my inner strength to keep it at bay.
So many thoughts, feelings traveling around. Some happy, some sad, some angry, some numb, some anxious,. Lost in a world that is spinning to fast. I have to slow it down - HOW so I take my happy pills, I have a glass of wine. Mmm that didnt work. Need to have some quiet time.
Then the night gets later and quieter and I comtemplate over the day. Sometimes so sensitive, anxious, sometimes tired, sometimes happy, sometimes lonely - Always confused.
Do I get angry with myself because I dont understand this illness. Do I take it out on others and be angry with the world - sometimes.
But most of the time I bury it, I bottle it , I hide it and yes at times it actually subsides and goes away. Othertimes it starts to bubble and brew and I end up in a terrible state.
So I thought about why do I have depression. Can I find one good thing about this illness. Yes, I can be compassionate and understanding. I can walk beside others when they can barely crawl and encourage them and give them hope. I can reach out my hand to others in times of need and encourage them to battle on and to get back up on their feet again.
And even though this ilness is unpleasant I need to keep focus and remember that it is the illness!
So I found somewhere that is safe, where I have friendship and sppport that I am gracious and appreciative so I'm not going to runaway when I feel disappointed or annoyed I have found something about this illness that is positive. Two months ago I only could think of negative, so if this place has given me a positive to depression then I am not going anywhere.
A time for contemplation
Thats what I have been doing. Needed to think about a few things and this is what I come up with.
Hope everyone is well
Tracy

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Comments from the community:

Hi Trace,
Welcome back! Good to hear from you again. I know it's only been a few days, but it's good to have you back.
I know you needed time out to think about stuff and get your feelings sorted out. That's fair enough. :)
I too have found a lot of friendship & support here, especially from yourself and a few others. I feel like this is a special place where I can come to each day and just check in on my friends, giving them encouragement and support and in turn I also get support & inspiration. I know that I'm not alone in my struggles. We all have so much in common and that itself is comforting to know, because we all understand each other. :)
I hope that you are okay and feeling a bit stronger now. :)
Till next time, take very good care of yourself!
Luv, hugs & smiles always
Gidge
xoxox

Written by Gidge, 19. Aug 2005 02:51 AM

Hi Tracy!

You have come up with very good, positive insight during your contemplation! I think it is very helpful to other people to say those things you have said. It was to me! So good on ya for coming up with this!

Thanks for your comments on my entry too! I really appreciate it!

Once again, I think it is excellent that you have written this down on this site!

I hope are going alright today! And good luck with the coming weekend too! I hope it is a goody!

Cheers,
Michael

Written by Anonymous, 19. Aug 2005 11:55 AM

Hi Trace
I am glad you have come back.
There is something comforting about coming here isn't there. It's letting things out that we wouldn't say outloud to others, seeing that we aren't alone in this battle and also being able to lift others with our words.
Glad you're here, I was sad at the thought of you leaving.
:) TaniaLee

Written by TaniaLee, 19. Aug 2005 12:34 PM

Hi Tracy..
I too am so glad you came back to see us tee hee...

I can so much relate to your entry, so much so, i had a tear in my eye while reading it..
I , like you, seem to have learnt so much since comming to terms with depression, and for me, that was the biggest turning point in my life, and that was because of all the people here..
So i hope things start to improve for you, have a good weekend
Luv
Les

Written by les, 19. Aug 2005 10:02 PM

Hi tracy
You were able to put in words what i think so many of us feel and it is so nice to be able to read something that you actually can relate to.
So thank you very much,for that beautiful insight.take care and great that you are back.
love loll

Written by loll13888, 19. Aug 2005 11:12 PM

Hi Gidge,Michael(me buddy),Tan, Les and loll.
Thankyou so much for your messages. I hope you are all well and that you have a good weekened. Today has been pretty good and thats probably because it FRIDAY Yippee You Hah.
Stay safe, be happy, be strong, smile once a day at least and remember we are special. Thats my moto for the next few days.
Take care All
Trace

Written by Tracy, 20. Aug 2005 02:26 AM

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