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Lonliness and dribble

A page in the diary "Keeping it all together"
Written by Tracy 7. Aug 2005 02:34 AM

Loneliness.
Why is it that even when you are married have children life is busy I can at times feel overwhelmingly lonely and I hate it when I feel like this. Health wise I am feeling much better today, but I feel empty and alone. I took the girls this morning to get a haircut each. Did the grocery shoping. Came home did some washing. Took the girls for a walk down to the old creek, cooked tea bathed them. They went to bed my husband lay down on the couch and within 15 min he was asleep. Every single night when the girls are in bed is my time when I can relax and be stress free. However I was a party girl once, love people and dancing and the pcitures etc now I just sit hear every night reading watching TV. Surfing the net while my family sleep. Thinking how nice it would be to actually have a deep and meaningful conversation with someone. I starve to talk about feelings, life, music, politics, religion, spirituality, anything. So this is me and my life. Boring and lonely and that whats makes me depressed and I know that and yet I seem helpless in being able to do anything about it. Yes I have hobbies and interests I love camping water skiiing fishing horseriding going for walks photography. Crosstitch I have tried it all but basically I just need some who is interested in me and life and living and love . I dont need it everynight but once a week would be nice. I know these are the things that get me down. But to change it would be to change my husband. I do love him and wouldnt be able to survive without him. He is my stability my support and most of all a wonderful father and a good husband in lots of other ways. So I guess I have to learn to live with what I have chosen, but at times I cant help but want it all.
This is what I hate about having depression. It is so easy to focus on the negative and feel down. And can be at time to focus on all the good around myself and think how God Dam Lucky I really am and I know that but it is hard to force yourself to be happy when in my heart I am not. Am I programmed to only know had to be depressed, does my head tell me you will not be happy, you will always be unhappy that is the only thing you know. It is like fighting a constant confusing battle and at times I get sick of myself and sick of this struggle. I just waant to wake up with this weight lifted and think everything is wonderful, life is wonderful. Yet most days I I just plog along not even excited about anything. Just plogging.
Anyway I have had another winge and I always feel better. I hop I have bored too many of you with my dribble and my confused thoughts.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend.
Takecare
Tracy

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Comments from the community:

Hi Tracy!

I am glad you are feeling much better health wise today! That is really great!

I know that feeling of emptiness and loneliness. It is constant for me.

You certainly haven't bored me at all with you entry! It is not dribble, it is expression of feelings. Although I don't really know what to say to make you feel better, I feel for you because you are my friend and hope things improve soon! It saddens me to see you so low like this. I just want things to improve for you.

Another poem for Tracy,
This one's not so hasty,
For you are my friend,
Right till the end,

Because that is how I am,
And you mentioned loving using you cam,
Cam for camera, you know?
I just wanted to show,

That you are special to me,
You are a very important she,
That I hope gets better quick,
Like a swift thwack of a stick

I hope the rest of the weekend goes great for you! I really do!

Cheers,
Michael

Written by Anonymous, 7. Aug 2005 02:52 AM

Hi Tracy
Sorry to hear you are on a downer & feeling lonely. Is there some sort of group or club you could join and maybe meet some people to talk to? It sounds like you're stuck in the same routine day in day out and you need a change of pace or a change of scenery, whatever. Hope you find it.
Cheyne

Written by Cheyne64, 7. Aug 2005 03:02 AM

Hi Michael
Thanks for your comments. I am well just like winging a lot. Yes I have been low lately and I really need to focus and get my shit and my head together. So thats what I will start doing. Thinking positive and looking at all the good stuff mmm. So then I can be a bit more support for those out there that have real struggles and are battling through their real dark times. So that will be my focus this week. No more wallowing in self pitty it is time to start climbing back up again. Had a little stumble but nothing is broken. So I am the lucky one, havent got a broken heart or anything like that.
Thanks again and thanks for another poem. I will start calling you Mr Poet.
Hope your weekend is good. And I hope those voices have settled down. And I am glad your mum has being giving you lots of support.
Take care
Tracy.

Written by Tracy, 7. Aug 2005 03:06 AM

Hi Trace,
I get desperately lonely too sometimes.
And all I can think is that maybe I'm not meant to be happy, I'm not meant to be loved etc etc. All those negative thoughts fill my head. But even though I know that's just the depression talking, it doesn't help.
I haven't been in a steady relationship for over 8 years, and I just want to be loved so much, to have a special man in my life again that I can come home to & talk to & cuddle up with at night. Just to share all those special & even not-so-special times with. When I was younger, I always thought I'd be married and have kids by the time I was 30, now I'm 36 and don't even have a man in my life! Pretty pathetic hey! By the time I do find someone (IF I find someone), then spend time getting to know them well enough to get married, it'll be too late for me to have kids!
Even when I was in my last relationship, I got very lonely sometimes too, when he'd go off to visit his friends (which was very often) and leave me home on my own. Sometimes, even when he was home, he wouldn't pay any attention to me anyway & that would make me feel lonely too. So yes, I do understand and I do feel your pain. I wish I could do something to make you feel better.
I'm sending you extra hugs tonight. I hope things get better for you.
Take care of your beautiful self.
Luv,
Gidge

Written by Gidge, 7. Aug 2005 03:08 AM

Hi Cheyne and Gidge
Thanks for your comments. Loneliness can be the worst and knowing that you guys are here does really help.
Hey Gidge you are not too old yet. And eight years with someone is a long time. I hope you find true love oneday and remember dont settle for second best. Mr write may be just around the corner.

Its strange how all us Deppies are up so late when we should all be tucked up in bed. I often wonder if being a night owl has a lot to do with my depression and wish I was a morning person.
Hope you are all doing well
Takecare
and thanks for caring
Lots of love sent to you all
Tracy

Written by Tracy, 7. Aug 2005 03:34 AM

(((((((((((((((((biggest hug))))))))))))))))

I send you EXTRA SUPPORT, STRENGTH, HOPE, LIGHT & LOVE.

XOXOXOXOXOOXXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOX

Written by shelley, 7. Aug 2005 04:11 AM

Hi Tracy
I didn't find what you wrote dribble at all, It was very interesting and if it helps to write it out then I think it's worth it.
I could understand what you were saying, I have felt so disconnected from my husband through my hard days and although he's right there it was just like I was all alone. But things are improving so I hope they do for you as well..
hope your week goes well.
TaniaLee

Written by TaniaLee, 7. Aug 2005 10:51 PM

Dear Shell and Tania
Thanks for your comments. I really hate winging but at times it makes me feel so much better. Marriage and spending the rest of your life with one person at times can be challenging. So can depression, and relationships for me have always been difficult, I seem to always be wanting more and seem to have high expectations that I dont think any man could live up to. I t scares me that at times I can be so disconnected from my husband and so discontented with my life. It frustrates me that I make my own life so complicated when it doesnt have to be. I wish I could be like my husband and be happy with what I have and just keep it all simple. We are chalk and cheese he keeps everything simple and doesnt have big grand ideas and expectatinos of others. I have to complicate everything and question everything and expect things to be better then what they are and believe in fairy tails and dreams and princecharmings and romance. I believe in true soalmates, but I believe that the butterflys and the fireworks with a little effort will never disappear. I still beleive that all the things I beleived in when I was a child could still happen. I also do the IF ONLY. I hate that I make myself miserable by wanting more. I hate it that what I have, doesnt always make me happy. I hate it that many years ago I had a true connection with somone and I know how it feels and I managed to slowly destroy it until the one person I loved the most couldnt take my destructive and negativeness anymore. At times I wish that some of the wonderful memories I had back then would go away. I hate being reminded of what life may be like now and what could of been.
Yes I hate being confused too. This is also my diary entry becuase I went to do it but yesterdays is still there.

Thanks for listening to my normal dribble once again
Tracy

Written by Tracy, 8. Aug 2005 02:14 AM

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