nightmares... on special occasions??
A page in the diary "Tazzy's Diary"
Written by Tazzy17 17. May 2008 06:05 AM
well i wrote an entry just last night, things were ok i guess... but i can't get back to sleep now.
i'm having nightmares. this happened on mothers day too. i dont know why im having a hard time dealing at the moment.
i seem to have trouble with special days, days where i would normally be treated nice by those around me. i'm wondering if it is something to do with my BPD, or just because of the pregnancy. but its weird and really horrible. the only one i can talk to is my fiance
my best friend hasn't spoken to me in over a month. last time my mental health went really bad she was there for me every step of the way, but this time she just wont associate with me. i'm pretty sure i haven't done anything wrong... i just need a friend at the moment. i'm scared about whats been happening and it's a lot to handle. i think at this stage if she did suddenly call me i would have to wonder what she wants from me and i can't be used like i was by other "friends". i just couldnt handle it at the moment. this particular friend can be like that sometimes... but i still miss her!
i have to go back and see a psych again, i've got to call one up this week and see if they can visit me at home. i live in a remote area and there may be one out here. i have another doc appointment on friday to make the arrangements.
so, ive recently been put back on meds after over a year off them, im back seeing psychs, needless to say i feel like ive gone a hundred steps back!
i am having alot of trouble believing sometimes that im gonna be any kind of mother to the baby growing inside me. i feel that if i cant look after myself then how can i look after a child.
the only support i have is my fiance, my friend isn't around, and my family doesn't speak to me much. they have never visited me at my home in the last 2 years.
also... my mind seems to be back to the negative thinking again. the baby wasn't moving much today and i started crying and when my fiance asked me what was wrong, my first response was that the baby may have died... he is worried about me now. the baby is fine - it's been kicking heaps since then, but it shows my negative thinking pattern is back in full...
i really really hope things get better - this is not a good time for a crisis. at least i'm NOT self harming again!
best wishes for everyone.
tazzy
xoxoxo