self-loathing!
A page in the diary "Tazzy's Diary"
Written by Tazzy17 17. Apr 2006 11:59 PM
i feel so angry at myself at the moment. i just cant seem to get a handle on my emotions. i just seem to wallow in self pity, self-hate, just... every bad emotion i could possibly experience. i just seem to hate myself so much its unbearable!!!
i was just lieing in bed next to my fiance watching a dvd, and i had to get upset over nothing and start fidgeting. he only asked my not to do it next to his leg cos it gets annoying, and i took it as a sign that he didnt want me near him at all, i quickly left the room and that's why i am here now.
i had an issue that i brought up with my fiance. he doesnt seem to want physical intimacy as much as he used to. me on the other hand, despite my depression, i do... maybe i even crave it more... because i want to feel wanted... it is one of many issues i have at the moment.
i just dont know what to do, i have the most horrible thoughts go through my head, things i dont want to do ever but it's like part of me want me to lose everything i have. like self-sabotage. i mean... do i really want to have nothing left to look forward to in my life?
i love my fiance don with all my heart and would do anything for him, but theres this part of me that wants to make him leave so that i have no hope left in my life - so that i will have no more excuses to go on like this.
take away every good thing i have, and i will do the one thing everyone seems bent on stopping me from doing.
sometime it feels like there are 2 people inside of me. both suffer depression, but one wants to get better and feels helpless to do so, and the other seems hell-bent on destroying itself... at the moment IT seems to be winning - ive done some stupid things over the last coupleof months - im not proud of it, and i try to hide the evidence... but my fiance knows everything, well most of it anyway.
ive been feeling sick all day, pains in the shoulders, nausea, general headaches. i think im coming down with something. that just adds to my misery...
i cant write anymore, i just feel so worthless and pathetic at the moment... well i feel like it pretty much all the time now... sorry for the silly entry - i just had to write it.
seeya
tazzy