paranoia hits again!
A page in the diary "Tazzy's Diary"
Written by Tazzy17 25. Oct 2005 04:13 PM
well i had a really bad day yesterday. i went driving with my best friend and my fiance, and i just couldnt concentrate and i was soooo nervous. i didnt actually do too bad, but after i got home the anxiety became a real problem and i was freaking out. i had to take 2 valium to calm myself down.
then after i got home from my friends place i felt so depressed!!! i was afraid i was going to do something silly - my fiance said he would call me but he didnt so i tried calling him about 7 times. i couldnt get a hold of him on his mobile phone! normally i can always get him... so the paranoia struck - i thought he was avoiding me and i started crying... i couldnt sleep - the worst thought started going through my mind! i felt out of control!
in hinesight, i should have called lifeline... but i wasnt thinking rationally at the time! i felt all alone, and i couldnt sleep - i was having horrible visions of the worst things happening to myself, of doing things to myself! i havnt been this bad in a while! but i finally fell asleep after several hours of crying.
my mum was very sick and was up every half hour, today im showing some of the same symtoms, i just feel so down and alone today. and quite sick, and sooooo very tired!
i had to drag myself to centrelink to get a form in - i just want to fall asleep and forget everything. im so up and down. i cancelled my appointment with my case manager because i felt so sick and tired i couldnt get out of bed this morning. im just in limbo! i dont know what to do.
i have these silly irrational fears that my fiance will get sick of my childish behavior and paranoia's and he'll leave to find a nice NORMAL woman to be with! why would i think that - hes shown nothing but support for me through this, he understands me like no one else ever could! i know he loves me - so why the hell would i fear losing him!
i just dont know today - i want to get better so badly, i know one day i'll be much better, i just have to hang in fot that day!
i hope everyone else is doing well!
seeya
tazzy
xoxoxo