All dressed up
A page in the diary "Jo's Learning Log"
Written by MissJ 6. Oct 2006 12:28 PM
I have eye makeup on to hide my puffy eyes. My cheeks are pink, my lips are red. My hair is done just so. I have earings in. I am wearing a bright red top with a plunged neckline, my jeans and red sandals. I am carrying a cute red clutch purse. I have my beautiful wedding and engagement rings on, and a braclet my husband bought me. I look in the mirror and even I have to concede - I look quite attractive.
It is a costume I am donning today to play the "happy girl who has it together".
In Scene 1, I have spent last night balling my eyes out for over 1 hour for no good reason. I have in desparation turned to my husband and begged him for help only to watch his face go blank and his eyes fill up with tears. No ideas there. I have turned to my dad for the same thing, and he has helped Adam and I to write down exactly how I was feeling to tell the psych when I next see him. I felt ashamed and lost and alone.
In Scene 2, two of my old friends from Uni come over and we catch up, go out to lunch and have a wonderful time. I smile a lot.
...
I am really looking forward to seeing the girls, don't get me wrong. But what if they see through the costume, the makeup, the smile and know how I envy them. They are teaching, they aren't trying to fight urges to cut themselves to let the pain out, they aren't going to see a mental health professional to tell them how to cope. And even now I say to myself - "They aren't you, you aren't them. So what if they see through it." Keep a hold of these positive thoughts, ignore and chase away the negative ones.
Aaaaah! I am wallowing and whinging. I will enjoy being with them. truly I will. But after they leave, the thoughts come and I don;t know how to control this self loathing...
Need to learn to control my self-talk. Almost like these voices in my head have a will of their own.
Love to all and light too.
Jo