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Written by MissJ 6. Apr 2006 02:29 PM

About a year ago, my father had an affair. My parents have stayed together and are working it through. I think this is for the best, there were extenuating circumstances that I do not care to enter into.

This whole experience has shaken my trust in men further that it already was shaken to start with. I have grown up with the ideology that men lie, adn hurt you,a dn don't really care as long as they get what they want. In saying that, my dad is a really good man. He is a good dad. I love him very much,a nd he has never done anything to hurt me.

It was a long time ago now, I know, but it has shaken the very foundations of my life, my beliefs. God, I don't even know how to talk about this. It's like there are things I want to say burried inside me so deep, but i feel so much shame. Why do I feel ashamed? I don't know.

Anyway- mu mum called me thismorning worried that things were going wrong. This is a cyclical thing- she will be ok for months and then she will flip out. And she tends to drag me down with her. And it opens it all up, and I feel the shame and pain of it again. Why do I feel so betrayed - this had nothing to do with me.

Finding out about the affair was like the straw that broke the camels back. My mum called and told me, and I collapsed on the floor in the kitchen. I could not stand. That was all those months ago, and I still remember that feeling like it was yesterday. This exposes me, makes me feel like a child. Afraid and alone - I keep thinking to myself "Why did my daddy do bad things? Why didn't he love me and mummy enough."

I think I just discovered why I can't express my internal dialogue about this. It is truly in "two year old" speak. I hate feeling this stripped bare. I could go on and on about this forever. I don't think it would help.

Sorry guys
Jo

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Comments from the community:

Shit. Someone say something to make me feel better, please.

Written by MissJ, 6. Apr 2006 02:32 PM

Hi Jo

This has come as a terrible shock to you and challenged your foundations. Wow, that's really hard to work through. Letting this destroy your trust in men is a terrible outcome.

If it is any consulation, my mum had an affair with another man and my dad found out about it. He forgave her and they stayed together. I was only about 18 at the time. I didn't mention it to my mum until I was 47 and she didn't think much of it. I feel sorry for my dad cos he has always tried to please her and make her happy and he still does.

I guess some relationships weather a storm and grow stronger, others slip into adultery and others dissolve all together. A good relationship takes hard work and very few are prepared for the sacrifices that are involved. I hope in your own marriage that you have a solid relationship and great communcation and understanding so that the damage others have caused don't rob you or your dreams.

Best wishes
Cath

Written by Anonymous, 6. Apr 2006 06:43 PM

Hi Jo,

I understand these feelings so very much. My dad had an affair many many years ago.. i was only young but i remember the fights and the problems that came out of it. They didn't stay together and it took many hard years for me to adjust... you see i thought when mum moved and my sister went with her that if i went too dad would die. I was scared of change ( still am ) and didn't want to leave my friends.. I hated dad for what had happened but i took on the guilt of abandoment.

My ex husband had an affair with my best friend ( who he is now married to ) and that was the last straw for me... they took all i had,, my home my kids.. my trust.

It has taken a lot for me to get to where i am today and i know i have a lot further to go.. but at some stage i had to move on... It has taken a lot faith in my current partner and a hell of a lot of patience from him also ( he travels interstate often ) for me to make this relationship work... And my god i am going to remarry in October... ( scared but coping)..

Don't let this situation with your mum drag you down... I think maybe she should talk to someone to learn to deal with these feelings that surface from time to time.

It is good you are there for her but you can not be expected to pick her up.. You have to explain the pain you go through also and what you went through at the time.

Communication is a wonderful thing Jo I hope you have this in your own relationship as it is a very solid ground to build on.

lol michelle

Written by mickey2, 7. Apr 2006 11:55 AM

Hi Jo,
I'm probably not the best person to give you advice about parental affairs as my parents have had a so called perfect marriage in my eyes. I don't get why you think your dad didn't love you and you feel somewhat responsible for his affair. I couldn't possibly understand what it was and is like for you, but I don't think there would be a single parent out there that doesn't love their kids no matter what happens in life.
I can't offer any advice but I am here for you and if you want to go on for ages about it then do it! I think it WOULD help you. Exposing yourself is hard, but how are you going to receive the support if you don't open up? Everyone here is looking out for each other and we are ALL willing to help :)
Luv Sairs xxx

Written by sairs, 12. Apr 2006 07:05 PM

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