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when life seems like it's slipping away

A page in the diary "The S**t in my life"
Written by esp 28. Mar 2006 09:13 PM

yep that's how I feel at the moment. I feel that is it worth me sticking around, when my life is full of such horrible memories. Which bring new challenges every day, wondering each time whether i'm strong enough to move on. The manager of my ward and a few others in charge had a meeting with me the other day. Cause they were concerned about me mentally. It was reassuring to know they are looking out for me and I appreciate that but I feel bad for burdening them with my problems. They decided that they'd offer me to drop down to 0.8 rather than full time so as to take the stress off me a bit. They've left me to think about this offer, at first I thought that people would think i'm a failure but I know I need to drop the shifts otherwise i'll hit rock bottom. Especially cause i'm not far away from those rocks at the moment.
I'm just so emotional at the moment I don't know whether to be angry sad or depressed. I think I'm angry at the guy who raped me cause he's caused all this crap in my life. And them I'm so upset cause I know there's nothing I can do to erase it from my memory- the only way I can do that is by erasing my life...And at the moment that's a strong feeling I've got at the moment, which sucks cause obviously thats not the best choices to make.

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Comments from the community:

Erasing your life is not the right answer and I think that you know that. Its just how you feel right now. I have similar feelings at the moment but still can see its only how I feel right now and maybe next week things wont feel so bad. So like me just keep struggling into next week or even just to tomorrow. It will get better sometime, just waiting seems like forever! Try to keep working even if it is part time. I have found it gives me something to get up in the morning for. Get all the help from professionals and friends that you can. I'm thinking of you.

Written by Anonymous, 28. Mar 2006 10:36 PM

Hi there Em,

It's good to hear from you again, although it'd be even better if you weren't so down. Hang in there, we all understand and it sounds like you have some great colleagues/bosses at work who care about you also. Don't feel guilty for burdening them, I'm sure they don't see it that way and remember you have to put yourself and your own health first.

Take care Em :)

Luv, ((hugz)) & smiles
Gidge
xoxox

Written by Gidge, 29. Mar 2006 12:18 AM

hey em,
sorry to hear your not going so well. i know that you cant erase the things from your memory that this guy has done..and trust me when i say you dont want to either cuz of me trying to erase it all thats how i got myself into this mess hehe. but anyway back to what i saying..today it may be hard to see past this and tommorow it may be too. but eventully it does get easier to see past it, and you hate them for doing that but after awhile the memory fades of it abit, it'll probably never dissapear but the emotional pain wont be any where near as much as what it is now.
its taken me nearly a year of seeing the same counsellor once a week to get to this point and i still have so much left to work out with it all. but it can be done so just keep trying. and one day you'll wake up and it'll just click hey i havent even been upset about this for so long and you wont even realise. hope you feel better soon chicken.
love manda

Written by detergent, 29. Mar 2006 01:57 AM

Hi em,

Nice to hear from you.....

Don't feel as though you are a burden.. I am sure that the ward manager doesn't see it that way .. they are after all in the health field and i am sure they have some understanding of your situation.

Maybe a shift change would be a good thing for a while.. it will give you a chance to recharge.

erasing it from your memory is probably not a good idea learning to cope with the memory and store it somewhere else is the better way to go. Hang in there sweetheart you have been doing so well. You have come so far this is just a little "not so good time" .

sending you support and strength.
Michelle

Written by mickey2, 29. Mar 2006 12:02 PM

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