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Hi sweet pea,

I don't really know what to say- I have no painful memories to deal with and so I guess I can never fully comprehend what you are going through.

However, I can't ignore a cry for help from someone I consider to be pretty special to me, and I bet bet many others too. Know that you are worth more than this pain and sadness, you deserve happieness and joy.

I know reaching out to people is very scary - I have lost many friends (if you can call them that) through this illness, I guess they "couldn't handle it". You must get help though, so try your GP, or psych or even call lifeline for some help.

I want you to know that you are a special soul, and we all have a purpose for being here. Try and get some help soon- and know that we would all be heartbroken if you were to go.

I hope you find the light you need very soon. Love, hugs and m,uch support to you in your time of need.

Hold on, keep faith
MissJ

Written by MissJ, 3. Oct 2005 12:46 PM

Hi sweetie
I am so glad that you have reached out to your friends on depnet.We are always here for you.
I can only imagine the pain you are suffering right now.Still, I have a daughter wwho is 23 and suffers mild self esteem problems and depression.She is such a beautiful person. I think you must be too because you always come across that way to me in your writing.You must also be very strong to keep going and have faith that your strength will carry you through all of this.You are still young and life lessons can be so hard to bear. Remember that you must use all the help you can from friends and professionals alike.Maybe one day when this all seems like a distant nightmare, you will be in a position to help someone else because of your experiences.
Life is full of love. It is all around you in nature and in the people we meet.
One of my favourite quotes is from Adele Beheer."Every now and then Beautiful Angels appear cleverly dishuised as ordinary human beings." I hope you are ready to receive help from your angel whovever or whenever they appear.May love and light help you through this dark patch in your life.
One step at a time. Luv and healing to you XOXOX

Written by dontworrybehappy, 3. Oct 2005 02:23 PM

Hi esp,

I feel for you...
That feeling of nausea, wanting to run, mind overloading, feeling your heart racing, and soul dropping. Feeling controlled by events that are out of your control.
I recently "discovered" self harm.
It appeared as if it helped to substitue one pain for another.
I won't write what I did on here as I think it goes against depnet etiquette.
Self harm isn't the answer, it is a distraction.
Seeing a proffesional that you feel comfortable with is the answer.
It is so hard, such a huge step, and it opens wounds that are closed, bound and supressed.
But when you let it out, realise that many things that happen are out of our own control. That we feel guilt, or anger from memories from our past for actions that we would never have chosen. It lets a bit of light into the darkness. and the light lets things grow. Like self love, and happiness. And from that good things come.

Written by gideon9595, 3. Oct 2005 04:08 PM

Hi Esp,

Well, not really sure what to say but please I am begging you make a phone call to your Psych or doctor or anyone that can help you out... We are all here on this wonderful community but i think at the moment that you need that little bit of extra guidance from a professional.

Honestly I know what your going through, I haven't had any memories or haven't ever been assulted but I am feeling pretty much the same at the moment, I am too scared to make it better for myself hense why I have made an appointment with my psych this week.

Please don't do anything to harm yourself, your one special person who provides a lot of light to the people on the site and I am sure that everyone would agree that hurting yourself isn't the answer for such a kind, caring, supportive and enlightening person.

Please make a call, call a friend anyone just talk to someone.. We can help you in cyber space, but please consider what others think of you that your such a wonderful perosn and life wouldn't be the same without your beautiful presence on here...

Take care if there is anything I can do let me know... I will be there as much as I can via "cyber space"

Keep on keeping on Beautiful
Lots a love
Kristy

Written by Anonymous, 3. Oct 2005 09:18 PM

Dearest Em,
I know you are in a lot of pain at the moment. I wish I could do something for you to make you feel better. I can give you kind words of love & friendship & offer some advice (which I will do anyway) but I know you need so much more. You need someone to physically talk to, someone to hold you & take care of you.
Is there a neighbour, or another relative outside the immediate family you could go to? Have you tried calling Lifeline?
Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. You have so many friends here who care about you, and I'm sure your family loves you too, even if you don't think they do. I don't know your family but I do know that depression clouds your emotions and judgement. Whatever you think your family thinks of you, I'm sure it's not that bad. Well I hope it's not anyway, for your sake!
You are a very special person Em. And just the fact that you didn't go through with your thoughts of ending it, shows that you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You obviously want to get better or you wouldn't have come on here and asked for our help. I'm so glad you did. :)
Please take care of yourself sweety. :)
Luv, (((((hugz))))) & smiles
Gidge
xoxox

Written by Gidge, 4. Oct 2005 12:13 AM

for the harming yourself one thing thats good fohey em,
my brains slow at the moment so dont laugh at me if i make no sense at all..hehe, i cant really remember much of what i was like when i was at my worste, either it be from the sedatives i was on or because i was horrible and dont want to remember. after a while i know im starting to get use to the flashbacks, there not any where near as bad as they first where, but i have my days from them. which i guess shows there is hope even if its small its still something. its a sighn or how ever you spell it, that there is a life after it.
when i have my days when there really bad meaning graphical and there nearly the whole time i close my eyes for about 10 seconds and think of something calming like a waterfall and imagine i can hear it and see it, just something you can remember when you were happy and having fun. and just try and think of every bit and concentrate on the sound of the waterfall. if that doesnt work i go to my other options which are concentrate on something just stare at it but sometimes doing that makes it worse, cuz i go in my own little world of where its happening again. so notice the effects that its having and if its working keep doing it if its not then dont :) but something else is walking around outside, but take a cold face washer with you. some people look at you weird but thats there problem :P and look at a garden or something and concentrate of the smell of flowers, the colours in roses or tulips. and every time you go back to the flashbacks or ones there thats giving u trouble wipe your face with the face washer the coldness of it usaully brings me back to reality abit.
r me i spose better for me then most things is half burning myself but not really..use something thats hot enough to hurt but to not leave any mark there i dont know if thats healthy but atlest it doesnt have the scars or the marks like cutting or literally burning yourself.
continued :)

Written by greenmartian, 4. Oct 2005 03:42 AM

i know how hard it gets with all this shit in your head and thinking can i really do this? like deal with the assaults being this bad in my head? i know i couldnt but the other bit of is sometimes there alot worse then other times. alot more graphical and frequent. maybe with what there like at the moment u cant deal with them but in a week a day or a minute they could be what they were like before. things will change em i promise you that, i know they are for me i have my days where they hurt like hell and i cant just be awake i have to be off with the pixys completely to make it through that day. but this is only occasionaly now 7 months ago it was every day. dont give everything up in your life that you have worked for and just achived because your u, cuz of some stupid guy. this is only a rough patch you can better and get past this, why give up now when you have already come so far? your a very strong person, remember that. you can get through this its just a bit more difficult sometimes then it was a week ago.
maybe while these things are going on you see your lil elfs abit more often (elfs means help ppl like gp n psych) elfs are helpful and so r the lil health ppl so thats how i worked out that name for them. heh just thought id explain that incase u didnt understand. maybe speak to your gp and let her know this new stuff. i hope it gets easier for you soon cuz u deffinately dont deserve any bit of what your going through. some people just dont think and for that they should be shot in my oppion.
hoping your frown turns upside down soon love manda (:

Written by greenmartian, 4. Oct 2005 03:42 AM